Reality Check

See...I feel great that I've lost over 110 pounds. I do remember the last time I got to this point. I felt so great! So great, in fact, that without realizing what I was doing, I started shifting my way of thinking. "I'm not so fat anymore, now I can have a waffle cone at Disneyland..." or whatever it was. You know, thin people can eat that stuff because they're not fat. The truth is, the fat ones are the ones who eat that crap, and the thin ones (the ones who have to work to stay that way, anyway) are super careful about it. Just because you see some thin, fit person eating a big ol' waffle cone doesn't mean she eats that way all the time. And she goes home from vacation and works her booty off to...well, work her booty off. LOL

OK, that was a bad joke. The point is, getting to a goal weight is not some "arrival." You don't get there and become free from all the work it took you to get there. You do shift. Eating to maintain a certain weight is a little different than eating to lose pounds. But you never arrive in that happy place with a guarantee that you'll get to stay there forever no matter what. It's work. It will be work for me for the rest of my life.

This time hopefully I've learned enough about what it takes to actually do what it takes to not pile the pounds back on. I still have 60 pounds to loyse. Do you know how much better that sounds than 160?? When I get down to 130, it will have actually been a 173 pound loss. My end goal used to be 140, so the big number in my head was always 160 that I needed to lose. Anyway...I love that I only have 60 pounds to go. I do feel amazing. Looking back at those pictures I posted in the previous post--well, I can't even remember anymore what it feels like to carry that much weight.

But here's a big difference this time around: I am so much more aware of all the fat that is still stuck to me! I hate that I can still grab handfulls of fat around my thighs, and that I still have a big ol' stomach hanging down, and that my arms are so awful. Believe me, there's no temptation right now for me to feel like I've arrived anywhere. Many people in this world get up into the 190s and are devistated that they've piled on the pounds. So before I go getting too thrilled with what is gone (yes, I need to feel good about it, yes I need it to serve as encouragement, and I need to feel proud of myself for the discipline and work I put in to make that happen), I am grateful that I am still so aware of how much work there still is to do. I count that as a huge blessing, because I didn't have that last time. I was so focused on how much better I looked and felt that I couldn't see the 50-60 pounds of obesity that still clung to me.

All that to say, I had my oldest son take a picture of me this morning before he left for school. Fortunately, I can look at it without feeling sick to my stomach. But--it's still worse than I expected. It's really okay. I feel like I'm in a good place, doing good things. Taking one day at a time and still chipping away at the goal. And luckily for me, I am able to see all that unsightly padding that remains to be dealt with.

So I'm happy. And I kind of have this renewed sense of...what? I don't know. I'm just a whole lot less satisfied with myself right now than I was 5 years ago when I reached this same place. And for that I'm grateful.

Okay, so I'll stop babbling now and just post the darn picture already:

This morning's weigh in: 191.