Gaaaahhhhh!

I really miss that whole "fresh start" thing on January 1. I feel like this year I really missed out on a great opportunity, because the craziness just did not stop once the holidays were over. I'm not talking about eating, necessarily, I'm talking about just plain all around craziness.

My husband DID resolve to have his fresh start on January 1, and got on board with eating great and exercising. For a week he got up at 5 in the morning and ran a 5K (he built up to doing 4.5 miles) in the freezing cold. It was my intention to get up at the same time and do step aerobics, and then we would do some Jillian Michaels together. So that first morning, he got up and I stayed in bed. (Geeeezz!!) When he got back from running he did what I asked him to--he reminded me that I really did want to get up and do Jillian with him. He didn't make me feel like a loser for staying in bed, but he at least got me out of bed for the Jillian. The following mornings went much the same way. He'd go running, I'd keep sleeping. He'd come home and I'd get up and we'd do something...mostly workouts on the Biggest Loser wii game. And sometimes he needed me to be the strong one and say okay, let's go do it. But instead I stayed in bed and he just went back to bed, too. I'm totally the weak one!

Then my family came rolling in to town, and it was instant insanity. I loved having them here. But there's nothing like crowding 9 adults and 11 children into one little house to drive all sense of normalcy completely away.

The cool thing is that my husband organized a family olympics, inspired by the Biggest Loser (which he just couldn't help but get hooked on while I was watching it). We had three events: a one mile run, a step up challenge, and a bowling tournament. Then a few days later was the surprise event, which turned out to be that we would do all those things over again, and the winner would be the one who showed the most improvement between the first and second scores. So that was cool. And guess who won?? Me!!!! Now I have a gold trophy from Party City on my shelf, where it will be proudly displayed until the next family olympics when somebody wins it away from me. It was really cool, and a lot of fun. It was awesome to me that everyone was so willing to participate, and that we all had fun with it. I mean, my family is NOT the fittest family around, you know. We're the kind who would much rather sit around watching movies and eating junk food than do anything physical. And it shows. So I thought it was great that everyone had such a great attitude about the olympics.

Somewhere in there, while all the family was here, my husband totally lost it where diet is concerned. And I have to be honest, I did, too. But I would lose it for a day and then grab back on. Actually, ever since this past Sunday I've been off a day, on a day. It's getting to the point of ridiculous. I mess up, and then resolve to never do that again, so I do totally amazing the next day. Then the next day after that I totally screw it up again. This whole week I've been a serious yo yo dieter, and it's getting out of control.

I have to say, though, that I'm really glad that there is nothing in me anywhere that is ready to stop fighting. I have got to figure this junk out. I'm still in the 180s (somewhere), but I should be so much further than I am.

Today I was watching an episode of the Biggest Loser, and Bob said something about how you can't just put a bandaid over the problem. A bandaid isn't going to fix it. You have to get to the root of the problem and solve it or it isn't going to get better. I really think that's where I am. It's so super great that I'm sitting here with about 115 pounds lost, but I have just been relying on bandaids this whole time and I have not fixed what is truly broken.

The problem is that I don't know what the problem is, so I don't know how to fix it. I just like good food. At the same time, I feel amazing when I am on top of my diet. My entire life is better, and no amount of flavor popping food could feel better than that. I do not want to be stuck like this, and yet here I am sabotaging myself at every turn. I do feel like I'm getting better, because the off times are still so much shorter than the on times, and the off times are really the exception rather than the rule. But still--I'm not getting anywhere right now.

I really think that starting tomorrow I have to dedicate part of my day to studying weight loss and healthy living. I find I do my best when I am focused on it. Lately I have not had one spare moment at all to focus on it. Once all the family left and I had a second to breathe, it was time to send my husband back to Hawaii so finish up stuff out there. Before he left we miraculously found a house in Washington and made all the arrangements to rent it and have it ready when we need it, and all that. It was a crazy, stressful process. And now that that is all done, it's time for me to be going through the house room by room, drawer by drawer, closet by closet, and get rid of all the junk that has accumulated. Garbage piles, donate piles, keep and organize piles, return to my mom piles--really, will it ever end? I'm on my feet all day long getting ready for the movers to come. Let me tell you, it feels amazing to be getting all cleaned up and organized. I love our new house, I can't wait to have my husband back for good, to be living our life again and to stay put for a few years. But this being busy is just killing me. Not being able to read up in my books and spend my time organizing my diet and exercise is just totally messing me up.

So tomorrow I am going to start reading my book and making some notes, and really trying to get back into the groove. I only have 3 weeks until the movers come, so any routine I get into now is just going to get upset again, but I have to do the best I can do for these three weeks. I refuse to throw in the towel. But I am frustrated with myself for yo-yoing. I should have better resolve than this. I know better than to yo yo. Being a stress eater is a bad, bad thing.

My goal for the next few weeks is to keep my head above water. Once I move, I will get my house set up as quickly as possible (because that's the way I do things), and we will get into a routine that will actually stick for a while. I need it so bad.

I will still weigh in tomorrow, but I'm afraid it won't be pretty.