Alive and Fighting

Life is crazy. I somehow manage to stay really super busy, almost all the time these days. But today is Sunday. We go to church at 9:00 now (yahoooo!). So we got home, gave the kids lunch, and sent them off to their rooms for "quiet time." It's not working so well for the younger ones, but it's working okay enough that I decided to stop my long list of stuff I need to do and do something for myself.

I have sadly neglected the blogging world. Not because I've fallen off the wagon (weeelllll, more on that later) but because I just haven't had a single moment for it the past few weeks.

So okay. Time to report. My goal was to maintain my weight anywhere in the 180s. To step on the scale on New Year's Day and be 18__ something. Anything.

Today I weighed in at 192.9. Can you believe I'm actually absolutely happy with that? The holidays were hard. I ate a lot of really yummy things. It was my choice. And it's okay. I can't actually say I really regret it. I'm pretty surprised though, that I don't weigh a lot more than that today. It's not because I didn't gain more than that. I'm sure I did. I was without a scale for a week, so I never had to see it go over 200, but I am sad to say that I'm sure it did.

I found myself losing my grip a couple of days before we left on our big trip up to the in-laws. I would eat some pumpkin bread at night when I did not have room for it in my plan. Then I would eat some more. Then my  husband would pull out the oreos--the ones I have in my food storage that I use when somebody needs chocolate dipped oreos for something. The ones I never eat, that have been in their little stay fresh packs in the closet for a few months now. So he would eat some, and I would eat some too. I didn't eat stuff every time he did, but I also didn't not eat when he did. Actually, to tell you the truth, I fought a pretty good fight. I didn't win every battle, but I won more than I lost. So I guess that's something.

For some reason I always want to eat a lot when I go up to my in-laws' place. They always have all kinds of crap everywhere. The difference between them and me is that they don't think they have to stuff their faces just because it's there. My sister in law got a fun sized milky way bar out of the freezer. And I made a mental note to myself that if it had been me, I wouldn't have done that. I would have grabbed the whole bag and brought it to the table where we were playing games, and I would have eaten little bar after little bar until I was sick. So see, they can handle having that bag in the freezer and not downing the whole thing in 2 or 3 sittings. Me, I could really go to town on it.

Anyway, so the fact that I could feel myself losing my grip before we even left was a big alert for me. I knew it was going to be really, really bad. Or I could save myself by hiding in my save zone (hcg). So that's what I did. I decided that I'd go back on hcg for one more round. Why? Because it's a strict plan that I am perfect at sticking to. Why didn't I chow down on those milky way bars? Because you just can't do that on hcg. Obviously I could have, but me and hcg are best friends and I know that I won't cheat. So my first 2 days were Christmas and Boxing Day. If you are unfamiliar with hcg, the first two days are called "load days." On those days, you are supposed to eat a lot of high fat foods. Healthy fats as well as unhealthy fats. I'm not going to get into all the reasoning, that's just what you do. So I figured Christmas was a good day for that. So we drove all day Thursday, and then I had Friday and Saturday to get through--I didn't do so well. Sunday I started on the hcg, but having no scale I really don't know where I started. It did save me from a lot of calories that I know I would have had no problem going crazy on.

I do feel that going back on hcg this time was okay for me. In a time of chaos and very, very weak resolve, I needed some plan that would see me through. And this is seeing me through. I haven't decided yet if I will stop at three weeks or go the whole six. I guess it just depends. Actually, I probably won't go the whole six, because I don't even have that long before I move. (I don't think I do, anyway). I'm just going to stick like glue to the plan and let the numbers fall where they may. I'm hoping to get under 180 before I switch over to maintenance. But I really have no idea what to expect this time around.

Anyway, yeah. So I've been back on for a week and I haven't faltered even once.

The difference this time is that in the beginning I hated it. I've never hated hcg before. This time I did. We stopped at my aunt's on the way home from my in-laws'. My aunt makes the best chocolate chip cookies, hands down. A million people could make cookies from her same recipe, and hers would still be the best out of them all. And I couldn't have any. There were awesome looking enchiladas for dinner, and I couldn't have any. I wasn't bothered that that stuff was there, not at all. I firmly believe that how a person chooses to eat should not make other people have to feel bad for eating or for having stuff around. It's my choice. So I wasn't bothered that it was there, but I was bothered that I was choosing not to eat it. It all comes down to that. It's me. It's my choice. And I knew I didn't want it, but it made me mad. Mad at who? Myself. Not for choosing not to eat it, but for letting myself get to the point where I have to be more strict than I like to be.

But you know what, when it's all said and done--I enjoyed my on plan dinner. It tasted good. It filled me to a comfortable point. And when all the dinner is cleared away and it's all said and done, I am able to be so much happier than I would have been if I had eaten the enchiladas. Here I am, sitting here on Sunday afternoon, and am I still mad that I "had to" choose not to eat the cookies? No way. I'm happy, very happy, about that. Would I be this happy, sitting here today, if I had eaten enchiladas, rice, chips and salsa, instead of my 93% lean ground beef, onion, breadsticks and orange? Nope. If I had eaten off plan I would not be happy about it today. It really is true that it's only a moment on the lips, and then the food is gone, and so is the happiness. It just doesn't pay.

And then when I got home and back to the scale, the hcg diet got a lot easier. My husband can eat his heart out all day long and I'm not mad at all that I'm not also indulging. Doesn't bother me one bit. Because I have that daily reward on the scale, and that definitely soothes the savage beast.

It's really not realistic for me to just "not have that stuff in the house." There are six other people who live with me who do not have a weight problem. Six people in this house who don't eat until they make themselves sick. Six people in this house who can handle it. And the reality is, I have to handle it too. I can't never make cookies for my kids because of my own issues. I can't never go to a restaurant, I can't never allow treats in my house. When I'm on hcg, I can make a quadruple batch of cookies and keep them in ziplocs in the freezer. Then I can pull them out for the kids a little at a time, and never eat one myself. When I'm not on hcg, I want to make the cookies and have one from time to time. Not pull out 6 or 10 of them and chow down in front of the t.v.

So I'm not going to clean every tempting thing out of my cupboards. What I have to do is learn how to be responsible with it. I mean, everything is tempting. Not just stuff like cookies, but stuff like peanuts. Pistachios. Whole wheat (extremely healthy!) bread. It's all tempting. Because I am an overeater. That's the real issue. I just like it, and I want to eat it and not stop. So for me, the fight is to control my portions.

I will be on hcg for at least 2 more weeks. This coming week we have a lot of family coming to town, and it will be a crazy time again. A few days after they leave, my husband will go back to Hawaii for the rest of January. When that happens, I will have a lot fewer distractions. During that time, while I'm still on hcg, the goal is to really read the 3 Biggest Loser books I got a couple of weeks ago, and get ready to journal my food and count my calories, and I'll be ready to start inputting the calorie intake stuff into the bodybugg website.

By the way, I've still been wearing the bodybugg every day and getting a feel for how many calories I burn with what activities, and how many steps I take per day, all that. SO. I look forward to using the bodybugg for the entire picture, getting into the science of the calorie defecit and all that. I know that might sound crazy to some people, to be that persnickety about little details. But I need to do it for a while because it really helps give a realistic perspective of what I'm doing. I need to pay attention to how many calories I'm actually eating, and how active a actually am. Counting it and recording it is the process that will allow me to re-train myself and make it come more naturally to me to control my portions and live a more active lifestyle.

Okay, that's enough of a novel for today. I'll start official weigh ins again this Friday.

BTW, the Disneyland trip was cancelled because too many people had to pull out. No tears here, it works out GREAT for me that we aren't going. At this point all a trip to Disneyland would be for me is a big huge ball of stress. =)