Beneath the Bandaid

I mentioned before how Bob Harper said you can't heal something just by slapping a bandaid on top of it. Underneath the bandaid there is something wrong--a splinter, a piece of glass, germs, whatever it is, it has to be dealt with.

And he's right.

I also mentioned that I've been hiding under my bandaid forever, without getting to the root of the issue.

I can be a weight loss super star. I have lost over 100 pounds (twice). I have done a juice fast for 18 days. The juice fast isn't really about weight loss, but it is about having absolute, 100% control. Rigid, strict control. No problem.

I have also been a major over eater and food abuser. I hate to put it like that, but unfortunately, that's the way it is. If you repeatedly overeat, if you binge eat, you are a food abuser.

I've been on both ends of the extreme, and have yet to master the happy medium. Either extreme is harmful. Maybe the super good one is only harmful because it inevitably leads to the super bad one. At least, it does for me.

So I guess I have finally identified what's under the bandaid. That's it. No traumatic event, no extreme lack of self esteem, no self-loathing. I don't use food to compensate for anything. My life really isn't missing anything. I mean, we all have things we'd dream about having. Sure I wouldn't mind having a bigger paycheck or a fancier house, blah blah blah. But for all intents and purposes, I have everything in my life that I want. I have a great family, financial stability, friends. I have a master's degree, I have learned a lot of awesome skills for every day life--I mean, I'm a happy person. I love life. I have a lot of blessings, and I am thankful for them. I truly have nothing to complain about.

So what's under the bandaid? Under the bandaid is the fact that I am addicted to food. That's it.

I'm supposed to be in the middle of this whole perfect three weeks thing. I'm supposed to be rocking the whole Biggest Loser 30 Day Jumpstart thing. This week I have exercised. I have counted calories in. I have counted calories out. I have journaled. I have kept up on weight loss blogs. I have read about weight management. I have watched Biggest Loser while doing my household chores.

And yet, I have lost, over and over again. Not pounds, unfortunately. I have lost the battle with food every day this week. Monday it was pretzels. I let myself have a few that would have fit into my plan. But I just kept eating them. It was afternoon. I was to the point where I was ravenous. Not physically. I wasn't actually hungry at all!! It was just plain in my mind. I just wanted to eat, and I could not satisfy my desire for food and just make myself stop. I could not just eat a few pretzels and walk away, I just kept eating and eating them.

So the next day I was going to be more active and cut my calories down to help make up for it. And I did. I got up and I did my step aerobics, and I did some Just Dance on the wii with the kids. And I was totally in my game. And then the afternoon came, and I wanted to EAT. I wasn't hungry. I just wanted to eat. So I decided I'd have the half cup of fat free frozen yogurt I had planned into my day--I was going to have it after the kids went to bed, but I just plain wanted to eat. I tried doing it the right way, I had something that was in the plan for the day. But then after that half cup, I had another half cup. And another. I probably ate three full cups of frozen yogurt. That's 600 calories instead of 100. Wow, really??

So the next day I was going to exercise more, and try to cut my calories by 300 for two days, to help make up for all that frozen yogurt.

Then was Wednesday. Wednesday I rocked. I did Jillian's workout in the morning, and I took the kids to the walking trail where we walked for about an hour. It wasn't super speed or anything, but it was decent. But then afternoon came. I wanted to eat. I wasn't hungry physically, but psychologically I was ravenous! So I took out the breakfast cookies from the freezer and ate a whole bunch of them. No sugar, no bad ingredients at all, but the calories still added up! I felt like junk--physically. Then I decided to just go get Subway for dinner. Which is a healthy choice, unless you just ate a bunch of breakfast cookies chock full of carbs. But I wanted it, so I got it. And then at Young Women's that night, the activity was decorating cupcakes. And I ate one. Then I came home and ate the leftover licorice I brought home.

WHY???? What the heck was the payoff for all that? Tons of regret. Tons and tons of regret. Not guilt, but absolute regret. It wasn't worth it. If I had planned on cheating, I could have at least had things that were awesome. But breakfast cookies and licorice? That's just crap.

But yes, I did pick up on the pattern that I get psychologically ravenous in the afternoons. I have finally identified that as a major trigger time for me, which means that I can really watch it in the afternoons. Afternoon is my diet enemy, and now that I know it, I can put up my defenses.

Putting a bandaid on something looks nice. You get to see a nice, sterile strip instead of a pussy, oozing gash. (Okay, sorry). Me wearing a size 14 pants right now looks a lot nicer than the 24s I was wearing before. But inside, underneath the bandaid, I still seem to have the size 24 psychology. This is what destroyed me last time. I lost all that weight, and then in nothing flat I had put it all back on. I will not do that again!

The truth is, taking out a splinter or a piece of glass hurts. Nobody likes going at a wound with a pair of tweezers and digging through all the mess. It's ugly and it's painful. I like to say that now that I've lost over 100 pounds and done some awesome things, that I have healed what's wrong. That I've mastered the art of weight management. I have not. But how thankful I am that, since there's a nasty splinter under that bandaid, I finally have a pair of tweezers. I've finally figured out that I have to dig through and pull out what's really wrong. I don't expect it to be pleasant. I expect to get in there and have a really tough time. But in the end, I will find that splinter and I will have what it takes to pull it out. And then maybe the bandaid will be able to do its job.

I hate what I've done this week. I mean, I've done some great things. But I hate all the lost time for the horrible things I did.

You know what, though? I have to see this as progress. Messing up like that, while it has led to sadness and regret, has led me to be able to identify things that will help me from now on. It's a stumbling block that I can now use to stand on to lift me higher.

You know what else? I have still been exercising. That right there is a big sign that I'm not a lost cause.

You know what else? I did not get soda at Subway. I did not eat 5 cupcakes. I did not go for McDonalds or Burger King--at least it was Subway. So I stumbled. I did not fall. There is still a lot of progress, overall, things are not as bad as they could be. In the past when I have thrown in the towel for the day, I've done a lot  more damage than I've done this week. I can feel that deep down, I am a different person. I do not go as far as I used to. I don't have any desire to go that far. I don't like how far I'm still willing to go, but I've got my tweezers. I'm working on it. I want real changes. I do have some real changes. I have confidence that I will continue to make real changes, and eventually get to that place where I do not abuse food ever. Not even once in a while. I used to do it all the time. Now at least it's rare, and not as bad. Some day I will have no desire at all whatsoever to turn to food inapporpriately.

**As a side note, I do not believe that allowing a treat sometimes is a bad thing. Not at all. As long as it's a conscious decision and as long as it's not overdone. As long as it's not something you will regret once it's gone. If handled correctly, there will be no regret.

So I'm still fighting. And I'll keep you posted.

And I am seriously considering starting up with the Addiction Recovery group when I get to Washington. I always swore I wouldn't. But now I think I'm ready to face it.