Adjustments

Years ago I read that book by Dr. Phil...7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom. It was a great book, one that I should really read again. I like Dr. Phil. He doesn't pull any punches, he just says it like it is and doesn't walk on egg shells. It is what it is.

Anyway, part of his book talks about stress factors that get in the way of weight loss. And there's a table with all kinds of stress factors that you can use to calculate your stress level. For example, in the last year, if you've experienced certain things, your stress is a little higher. For me, the year I read that book some of the things on my list were that we had moved, our son spent a lot of time in the hospital, we had a family member die (my son) and...well, I can't remember if there was anything else for that year. But the point is, those things contributed to my stress factor. The idea is that we need to try and eliminate from our lives as much stress as we can.

Right now I'm battling more stress factors. We have a move coming up, and my husband has to go back to Hawaii (he got home on Tuesday, WOOOOHOOOOOO!) for three weeks in January. We have two vacations coming up, in rapid succession. And on top of all that, the big adjustment of having my husband home.

Now. All of those normal things that you would think would go along with adjusting to have him home after he's been away in Iraq for a year--those aren't my issues. He comes home, and everything falls into place, almost like he was never gone. I don't know how it works this way for us, but I'm extremely grateful. My kids just fall right into the old familiar rhythm--even the youngest ones have not seemed to struggle with it. Everyone is happier. Everyone gets more attention. He and I don't struggle with how things are run at home. Yes, things have changed while he's been away. Kids have grown and changed. Maybe it's because of frequent phone calls and video calls with skype, I don't know. But there are no power struggles, nothing like that at all. It's all just better, in every way.

So. What? What adjustments are stressing me out? Well, me. I am exactly the same as I used to be, but I'm also a much different person. I have spent the past year developing some pretty significant different habits, changing my lifestyle (as far as diet goes, anyway) and have taken things in a completely different direction for myself.

On the positive side, I realized while I was in Hawaii that I am a much more confident person. I wasn't inhibited, and I really enjoyed a lot of physical activities. Instead of sitting on the beach, we hiked. That kind of thing. It was great. I felt like for the first time in my life, I got a taste of what it felt like to really live life. I was happy. I mean, I wasn't unhappy before, but I have never been as happy as I was in Hawaii, with a miraculous opportunity to reconnect with my husband after him being gone for a year, and to rediscover myself.

So now that he's home, I find myself battling between the old me and the new me. See, eating has always been something that he and I have done together. After the kids go to bed, we'd watch a movie together and eat a package of oreos together. Stuff like that is just part of who "we" are. But it's not part of who "I" am anymore. The struggle for me is internal. He doesn't care what I eat. If he feels like eating chocolate, he'll eat it, and if I don't he really doesn't care. It's not like he expects me to eat right along with him. But I find myself sometimes just wanting to eat because he's there with me.

Things are good. Life is comfortable and happy. Very close to the ideal. Maybe I could go so far as to say that we would bond with food and t.v. because it's something we have always enjoyed together. Yummy food just completes that ideal picture for me. You know?

And so I fight. And I win a lot. It doesn't bother me when he eats. Yesterday my diet was spot on, and then the kids went to bed and the t.v. went on (Jared's choice, so it was Monk instead of Biggest Loser, LOL) and I just felt like I needed to eat. A couple of handfuls of candy corn and a few Tootsie Rolls later, and I was just way overloaded with sugar. And why?? Just because I wanted it.

And the sugar was so icky and sweet that I needed salty, so what did I do? I ate cheese. And it was good.

But I've been struggling like that. I'll have a couple of really good days, and then I'll totally screw it up. And then to make up for it I do a juice fast for a day. It's a yo yo that isn't really all that great.

I do have to say, though, that I have noticed some awesome things about this most recent fight:

This is the first holiday season that I haven't just gone completely off and let myself eat whatever, wherever, and however much I wanted. For two whole months. That's usually what I do during the holidays. Most people let themselves go off for Christmas Day. Not me, I let myself go off the entire Christmas season. (And you know, it starts with Halloween). So I'm really proud of myself that I have managed, for all intents and purposes, to maintain since Halloween. I do yo yo, but thankfully it's only a span of about 5-7 pounds. Really I think that's too big of a span, but for right now, I'll take it.

My only goal right now is to maintain through the holidays. I have way too much going on to even think I'm going to lose anything. I have a lot of adjusting to do, and I have to come to terms with this new me meshing with the old me that comes to the forefront of my mind now that my husband is back. And I still have a week of travelling for Christmas, that also includes a wedding, and a 5 day trip to Disneyland to get through. I feel like I'm clawing my way to New Year. (Although Disneyland is after new year). If I can be anywhere in the 180s when I get back from Disneyland, I think it'll be a miracle. But that's my intention. So there you have it.

We'll be moving sometime at the beginning of February. So really, I'm just trying to tread water until we get settled into the new house in Washington, where I can establish a routine that actually has a chance at working. If I lose any weight in the meantime, I'll count it as a bonus.

But believe me, I am having to put up a real fight just to maintain.

On a really happy note, today I got to go to the gym with my mom, since my husband was here to watch the kids. (I have a 1 year old who doesn't handle child care at the gym very well at all). So I went to a 60 minute class called RIPPED, and then I did some treadmill. Today the incline was at 5, and I did three runs during the course of the 20 minutes (don't ask me why, but the treadmill kept turning off once I hit 20 minutes. I had intended to do at least 30...then I got to talking with my mom and didn't have enough time for elliptical). This time my runs were better than I've ever done. I know this sounds really small, but believe me, for me it was monumental--my first run was 2 minutes at 4.0, incline 5. The other two runs were for 2.5 minutes at 4.2. I thought I was going to die. It kind of makes me laugh, knowing that there are people out there who run for real, but it felt really good to do that, not holding on to the sides, and just running. I could have pretended like that was normal for me and that I'd just keep running like that for the whole 30. Someday I will, and that will be awesome.

So on my new bodybugg (yeehaw, I got it!) it says that today I burned 2417 calories so far, and went 11,216 steps. So I'd say that's pretty awesome! I get to go to the gym again tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

In other news, my one year old has the chicken pox.