Saturday, June 23, 2012

?

I don't even know what to call this post.

I'm totally out of control. Not like as bad as I've been before, but just--I can't get a grip on myself! What is going on with me?

I'm trying to figure out just what works for me. Things that have worked for me in the past don't work anymore. The bottom line is that it's not about what method I try, it's about me. It's about what is going on inside my head. Which--I don't know what that is.

I have tried the super strict. And I have done super well. And then eventually I break, because it's too much. So my most recent "thing" is to just try and practice restraint, and be realistic. Eat the way "real" people eat--not necessarily people who lose weight, but people who just eat to live, enjoy a little extra once in a while, and do whatever work it takes to cancel out the extras. People who don't spend time gaining lots of weight.

I was supposed to do a juice fast this month. Then I decided against it because I knew that right now, at this point, I'm not ready for it. If I do that, I'll end up finishing the fast and then running to Subway for a footlong and a bag of chips. So I decided that the first step needs to be to just chill out, back off, and not really think about food so much.

Well that's not working. I keep coming up with ideas for different parameters to set, and then by 10 or 11 in the morning I decide I want something outside the specific parameters, and that's it. I haven't stayed "on plan"--on any plan, for an entire day, for a REALLY long time. I can't remember the last time.

I hate to admit that. It's hard to get on the blog and talk about the super low times. It's easy to talk about the weight issue when I'm doing awesome. But times like now--it's just really hard. I don't like to get on here and talk about how I'm completely lost and don't have any clue what to do with myself at this point. I feel like crap. All the time.

It wasn't that long ago that I felt so awesome, and I would NEVER believe that there was anything in this world that would make me give up that feeling. And now look at me. It's like I don't even care. The thing is, I do care. I care, I care, I care. So why, why in the world, does a bowl of Kix or a row of Ritz crackers drive all that care right out the window?

I haven't thrown in the towel, but I keep letting myself down, day after day after day. What I don't understand is why food can be so controlling.

The good news is that I have been trying to get exercise back in my life. Yesterday and today I went out for a walk, did just under 4 miles each time. I love it! Just me and my iPhone with my Pandora. LOVE it. I love the time to myself, and it feels good. But I'm so out of practice. So out of shape.

Something's gotta give. On Friday my mom and my sister and her kids are coming into town for 10 days. A week later, we're leaving for a 2 week road trip through California. SO excited!!! We're also taking family pictures at the beginning of that trip, and we'll be seeing a lot of people who haven't seen me since I weighed significantly less. Grumble. And my clothes don't fit me again--I'm back to wearing baggy t-shirts and "soft" pants. I HATE IT!

So starting on Monday (aah, the old "Monday start" diet thing), I am going to do my Gilad toning 6 days a week until we leave for our trip. My poor baggy body needs the crunches and the squats and lunges and all that other stuff. I mean, my body DESPERATELY needs it. So, it's time to do something.

I am also going to just keep trying every day to control the food thing. Something's gotta give.

Pray for me, people.

On a positive food note, last night I went to the extra effort of making my pizza on the mushroom caps again, and today for dinner the whole family had spaghetti squash spaghetti. (Which the kids wouldn't eat, so I have a lot of leftovers).

I also joined bountiful baskets, a produce co-op, so we have a lot more fruits and vegetables available these days.

AND, I should give myself credit that even through the struggles I have not gone back to fast food or soda. I think I've kicked those for good. I mean, maybe the occasional twice-a-year burger and fries or something, but for real, I just have no desire to eat that crap. What I need to do is dump more things into that category--oreos, homemade bread & butter, etc. Still, I really am glad to know that the soda and fast food don't have any power over me.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I struggled for almost a year and my moment back came when I figured out what I need to do for me. I was focusing on the wrong things and I kept failing. Now I'm taking things one step at a time and finding success again.

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