Well I just really haven't had it in me at all to fight the fight. And we all know that if we don't play the game, we forfeit the win.
So we got our house in California all emptied out and clean and spiffy. My husband got home from Hawaii about a half an hour before the movers showed up to pack. That means I was on my own to get everything cleaned and organized, and to get rid of all the stuff we didn't want to take with us. It was exhausting work, I tell you.
That last week there I ended up having a root canal, and an absolutely horrible experience with corporate dentistry. Wow it was terrible. The good news is that I got it done and probably avoided tons of pain that could have come at a really inconvenient time. So I guess that's good. But it did make for a pretty insane and annoying last week in California.
We left on the 10th of February after the kids got out of school, and drove the 2.5 hours to my sister's house to crash for the night. On Saturday we left early in the morning, and drove 7 hours to Grants Pass, where we visited my aunt's family for a while, got a hotel, and then met my in-laws for dinner (they drove an hour and a half just to see us, and we loved seeing them!)
Sunday we left Grants Pass and drove another 7 hours to Puyallup, and here we are. We met the landlords at the house, and then emptied everything from the car into the house. One last night on a crappy air mattress that had to have more air pumped into it in the middle of the night. Ha ha! (Still, it was a lot better than the floor, right?)
Monday morning the movers showed up with all our stuff from California, and I took my three little kids shopping to stock the fridge and pantry, and to get them out of the way so the movers could do their thing. The next couple of nights we spent unpacking, putting things away, breaking down boxes, etc. I was so happy to be parking in the garage after breaking down all those crazy boxes!
A week and a half later, different movers came to drop off the stuff that had been in storage in Hawaii. Boy. So much stuff! Some of it was great to see again, and some of it was just plain annoying, because I had to deal with it, and life had been just fine for the past 15 months without it. Now we are in major need of a yard sale, and I am again parking in the driveway. (Grumble).
Somewhere in all of that, we searched and pursued ads on craigslist in order to get the couches, bookshelves, t.v. stand and bunk beds we needed. And several trips to Walmart, Joanne's, Michaels, Costco, Target, etc. to get all the other stuff you need when you find yourself in a new house with slightly different needs than your last few. Whew. I like shopping, but seriously? It was exhausting and insane, and I got to the point where if I had to get in the car to go buy something one more time I'd probably throw a fit like a baby. LOL. It just got really old, really fast. And then we had to do more driving around to buy my husband a car...luckily the first car he found worked out wonderfully well, so I know it could have been worse.
On February 17, I knew I had to step on the scale, even though my brain could not possibly stand one more thing to think about. I had to do it, even though I'd been eating whatever I wanted, however much I wanted, and had really been not fighting the fight.
That day I weighed 211. To tell you the truth, I was surprised it wasn't more. I was guessing I'd be somewhere in the 220s. Yes, I was, and even so it hadn't been enough to make me care sooner. You just get to this point where you are giving so much of yourself to so many areas of your life that there isn't any more to give. And my battle with weight is the one that I chose not to give anything to. I knew I wasn't throwing the towel in forever, that it was temporary. So at least that was something.
The reason I stepped on the scale, finally, on February 17, is that I had planned to start a juice fast that day. It was my attempt at detoxing and re-booting and all that good stuff. So we went to the commissary, and I had my big ol' list of produce to buy. And then Jared asked if there would be enough for him to do it, too. !! Totally didn't expect him to want anything to do with juicing, as unpleasant as a lot of people think it would be. So I grabbed double of everything on the list, and we went for it.
Later that day, he said he was going to try and go for two days. That was kind of a downer for me, because I just bought all that stuff and thought he was going to be my juicing buddy for the whole 10 days I had hoped to do. But I didn't say anything, I really was just happy he was doing at least 2. Still, that night we sat down and watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead together. After it was over, he told me he really wanted to try and make it for 10 days. Yahooo!
So yeah, off we went. He was still off work, so we just juiced our little hearts out. We agreed that if either of us wanted to quit, the other one would be the strong one and keep us both going. I'd help him, he'd help me.
On day 5 we were walking through Walmart, and I just totally lost it. I told him I was sick of juicing and I just wanted a big salad so bad. And he said no, we should keep going, and that I could do it, all the perfect things to say. And I was disappointed because I really was sick of juicing. But he got me over that little wrinkle and we just kept juicing.
The plan was to juice 10 days, and then on day 11 eat fruits and vegetables, and a salad for dinner, to ease back into the normal eating thing.
Then on day 8 we were making dinner for the kids, and Jared slapped his hand down on the counter and looked at me with this pitiful look, and said "How much longer are we doing this??"
The right thing for me to have done would have been to tell him he could do it, it was just a couple more days, you know. All that good stuff. But instead I said, "You don't want to ask me that, because if you start asking me that I'll send you to Subway RIGHT NOW." As soon as I said that he grabbed his keys and said, "What do you want?"
I totally didn't do my part to keep us going! But honestly, ever since day 5 the only reason I didn't throw in the towel is because of him. I wasn't at all into it. At all. I just wanted to eat.
A 7 day juice fast is nothing to laugh at though, and we did pretty good! The problem was not necessarily ending it early. The problem was that we weren't prepared. Instead of having a salad for dinner, like I should have, I ate a Subway sandwich--bread, meat, cheese...you know. Not unhealthy, but not the best way to ease back into normal eating.
The next night we had planned a pajama party/pizza and game night with our new friends across the street. I hadn't worried about it, because I'd be juice fasting. So the pizza wouldn't be a problem for me. But then we stopped, and Jared was so excited to eat the pizza and treats--so I just joined right in. I just really wasn't in the right place, psychologically. I wasn't ready. I should have juiced through Sunday, and stopped it when we weren't right in the middle of cravings and social situations. Big huge mistake.
All the progress I made juice fasting was totally out the window. That last morning that we fasted I weighed in at 188.
But I just started piling the pounds back on...some of it would have come back anyway, I know that. But I just ate and ate, whatever, whenever, however. Why? Maybe stress. Maybe just drowning in a sea of really needing to settle into a routine. My husband was off work for about 3 weeks after we got here. I was gearing up for getting my routine and exercising and grabbing control of my life back.
Then on Sunday, the day before he went back, my sister called me from Hawaii (in between flights) to tell me they'd be able to get a flight to Washington to come see us. Wahoo! I was so excited. Her husband just got back from deployment, so when we were all together in January he wasn't there. I was beyond excited--our first visitors in our new place!! But yeah, I totally didn't see that one coming. So the first day of my new routine turned, instead, into the first day of fun with company. Not to mention it was the first day the Girl Scouts were outside the stores selling their cookies.
It's been 4 years since I'd had Girl Scout cookies. And I was NOT in a good place for just passing them by. So I bought cookies. I bought a lot of cookies. And we at cookies. We ate a lot of cookies. And the interesting thing is, I was actually disappointed. Even the thin mints just didn't do anything for me. I ate them anyway, but next time those cookies come out I won't feel all compelled to buy them. They're just not the amazing little things I had remembered them being. Oh well, right? I'm grateful for that.
Anyway yeah. We ate like total garbage the whole time. Before that I seriously couldn't remember the last time I just ate with reckless abandon. It wasn't part of me at all to do that. But I did it. Grrrrr!
My sister's family left, and Jared's work schedule has been totally crazy. For one reason or another, he would come home early every day. Sometimes at lunch time, sometimes at 8 or 9 in the morning. So everything has been so unpredictable, and settling into a routine has been pretty much impossible.
And here I am today.
Today I weighed 216.8. I wasn't even going to post that. At this point I can't even begin to guess how much of that is "real" gain and how much of that will come off fairly quickly with my act back together. The horrible thing is that my pants are so tight I don't even want to wear them. They hurt. My shirts look terrible. Absolutely terrible. So I wear my workout pants and Jared's t-shirts, and only put on my jeans if I'm going out. (Imagine how much I go out at this point).
Jared went back to work for real yesterday. I got up at 5:00 and did my step aerobics and my strength training videos. I also stared my one week of 1,000 crunches a day. I have to do 1,000 for at least a week, because I really have to pull in all the bulges that have emerged in the past month and a half. I want my clothes to fit me, and I just can't buy a bigger size. I'm really not strong enough to get a bigger size, because then I'll be "comfortable" again and lie to myself that making a batch of cookies isn't that big a deal, etc. So yeah. It's a good thing I got rid of all the "fatter" clothes. I don't have a choice at this point, I have to grab control of myself.
Finally I feel like it's possible, because things are settling down. I'm not expecting company any time soon, and I don't have any social situations coming up. Funny thing though, the band hall where Jared works caught on fire during his week of in-processing (he wasn't there) and the fire department has declared it temporarily condemned. So the band has moved over to the Reserve Band's band hall. But there really isn't any work to do right now, until they get it together. Yesterday he went to work and they all sat around all morning, so when lunch time came they told them to just stay home. And as much as I've needed my normal routine, every time he walks through that door early I am so happy! I love having him here. We'll see how long today goes. He has a different thing going on today, so he may work a full day. But I have no idea what to expect out of the rest of the week. But no matter--I'll be getting up early to exercise, and I'll be working my booty off all morning doing housework, etc.
I have contemplated doing another juice fast, but have resisted doing it because it seems like an "easy answer" to hurry up and get rid of the pounds I've piled on. I don't feel like I deserve an easy answer. But the more I have thought about it, the more I realize how I would benefit from doing it again so soon--
1) I can do it right this time--not quit early, and ease off of it the right way.
2) It will help me to clean the slate again, and get rid of the sugar cravings (reboot, if you will).
3) Getting rid of these pounds before they "solidify" is an added benefit.
I also realized that juice fasting as anything BUT an easy way out. Juice fasting is absolutely not easy. It's tough. So that makes me feel better, too--I'm glad it's there for me, but I wish I had done it right last time so I could wait a little longer before doing it again.
I'm not sure what to expect out of the scale, but I do know that I have gotten myself to the point where I really don't have a choice but to go back to the super strict. One of these days I've got to conquer the "normal" eating thing.
I've got so much more going on inside my head, but this has gone on long enough. I just really want to get back into keeping up with the blog, and fighting the fight.
My revised goal for my birthday (April 16) is to just get back under 200. The previous goal was to get under 175. Yeah, totally screwed that one up! The new goal after my birthday is to get under 170 by the 4th of July. We'll see how it goes, I have no idea. I do know that I want to fit into size 12 and get rid of the 14s forever. Right now I just want to be able to fit into the 14s without sucking in my hugely enormous gut.
So this week: Juice fast for 7 days and 1,000 crunches a day.
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