Saturday, March 24, 2012

Baby Steps

Well I made it three days on the juice fast that I was trying to do for seven days.

I did 1000 crunches for 3 days instead of the seven days I was going for. (I did do 500 on the 4th day, but then nothing).

I feel like I've been treading water, and I just can't get it together enough to start swimming so that I can be making that progress toward the shore.

I was really feeling like I was failing over and over and over again. I would wake up in the morning with that determined "fresh start" attitude, happy for a new day, a new chance. And every day I'd end up screwing up whatever it was I was trying to do. Most days I've been having a big ol' juice for breakfast...and that might have been the only good thing I did for myself that day, food-wise.

So I took a step back, and decided that I can't just go back to where I was. I can't just wake up one day and have it all together and be a weight loss super star. I got myself to the point where I need to "start over." When I juice fasted the first time, I had already been in super control of my diet and exercise for a long, long time. I had no cravings for anything else, and it didn't bother me. But right now I have been out of that mode for enough weeks that it's like asking myself to step on the top rung of a ladder when my feet are barely on the second or third step. I just can't reach it yet.

I decided that I would just do each day better than the last. I have had three days now with no sugar. I hate that it's only 3 days. Not too long ago I could have boasted months and months and months with no sugar. I hate that it reared its ugly head in my life again and took control over me for so long. Sugar is such bad news!

All I wanted to do was get rid of the sugar, to begin with. I knew that that had to be first. And I feel a TON better. For the past two days I have also been working on not eating between meals. I hate that it is so easy for me, now, to be cooking or doing whatever it is I'm doing, and grab this or that to pop in my mouth whenever I go in the pantry or whatever. For a while there meal time would come and I wouldn't be hungry for it. (I kept thinking of that "mom" saying we've all heard, maybe even said, "you'll spoil your dinner.") Yeah. So I would spoil my dinner. But I'd eat it anyway, because it was there!


So for the past few days my thing has been to try and not eat between meals. These days, eating 6 smaller meals a day is a popular diet trick. For me, it doesn't work. I can't continuously eat all day or that's what I'll do. I won't stop. I have to have clearly defined times when I eat, and then I have to turn off the switch and forget about food until the next meal. I've been doing a lot better. I have been able to turn off the switch a lot more and eat a lot less. I'm still eating too much. I haven't tracked on paper what I've eaten, I haven't counted calories or paid too much attention to food groups. I've been trying to avoid anything processed, I've been having a good vegetable juice for breakfast, and I've been staying away from sugar.

For now, it's good. The numbers on the scale have gone down every morning since I cut the sugar. Not by a lot, because I really am still eating too much. But for weeks now, almost every day the numbers were going up, sometimes by a little, sometimes by a lot. The only time those numbers would go down would be when I was trying the juice fast, but every time I quit, right back up they'd go.

On Thursday my husband got to do his PT at home instead of going in to work to exercise with his unit. So he got me up with him and we did day one of Jillian's 30 day shred video. It was easy. Way easy. And only 20 minutes. So I figured I'd go ahead and go for the 30 days. Who couldn't do an easy 20 minutes, right? Well, Friday morning he got me up and I told him no way. My body was sore!

(In my defense, on Thursday I spent most of the day organizing the garage, loading up the car with stuff for Good Will, moving furniture around, lifting, reaching, bending, etc. in order to get my garage all spiffy-ed up as a workout room. Now it's all clean and organized except for the corner that has the stuff I have listed on craigslist. The t.v. is set up, the mats are all layed out, my weights and my step bench and my big ol' exercise ball are out there, even the space heater--because it's still icy cold in the mornings around here, and a lot of mornings we're still waking up with snow. All I need is to get a DVD player, and I'll be ready to go).

So on Friday there was no way I was getting up early. I told Jared I'd do the 20 minutes when Lydia took her nap (yeah right) or after the kids went to bed (yeah right, but a little more likely than the nap time idea).

Then Jared got off work at lunch time, and it just happened to be a really nice day outside, so I decided to go for a walk when Lydia took her nap. I ended up going 4.5 miles! After the first mile, I started getting nagged and assaulted by the jogging idea. The thought process went something like this:

Why shouldn't I just pick a landmark ahead and just jog to it?
Because I haven't exercised for real for a long time, and just walking is enough for now.
But--I could just jog to that light pole up there.
But I don't want to.
Yes I do.
Seriously? This isn't what I signed up for today. I was only going to walk 2 or 3 miles, and I'm already committed to 4.5. Isn't that going the second mile (ha ha) already?
Yeah, so I'm good. No jogging.
But--I could just jog to that light pole up there.
Dang it! I guess I'm going to. Stupid jogging.
But I'm only doing this once. Then I'm walking.

So I'd jog. I started at one light pole, and jogged past the next light pole, and on to the next. Then I'd walk. And then:

Wow, that really wasn't so bad. I'm not really even out of breath. I expected my lungs to be burning. I expected myself to be gasping for air by this point.
Cool. I haven't totally lost it.
But that's it, I'm done. No more jogging.
I know I can't stop now, though. I'll just jog again after I've walked for a while.
But this isn't a jog, it's a walk. So I'm going to walk for a long time before I jog again.
Here comes another light pole.
Dang it! I've only walked the length of one light pole, and I know I'm going to start jogging again as soon as I get to this next one.
Fine. Fine fine fine! I'll do it.

And then I'd run the length of two light poles again. And that's how the second mile+ went. But I wasn't going to jog at all on the return trip, because #1 I was carrying a grocery bag and #2 there was a lot of uphill on the return trip.

But more of that thought process plagued me, and I did end up doing quite a few jogs on the way home.

And I just started to feel a bit of the old new me. I'm sick of feeling like the old old me--that one that got up to 300 pounds in the first place--that one that regained myself back to 300 pounds after I worked so hard to lose it the first time. I don't want to be that old old me. So I do want that new me back.

I am hoping to go for another walk today if the weather cooperates. But my body is pretty sore and tired. And I obviously need new shoes. But if I can try to do these walks regularly, it will do me a lot of good. Maybe I'll get around to getting a cheap DVD player today, too, so my exercise room will be complete.

Baby steps.

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