I hate big baggy t-shirts and "soft" pants.
And there's no such thing as a cheat when Sunday morning comes and none of your church clothes fit. OK, the skirts fit, but they are seriously tight. Today, for church, I had to raid my husband's shirts. I wanted to cry. I ended up wearing a tan skirt (too tight) and one of Jared's white dress shirts, with a scarf. I felt like a freak. But none of my shirts would work. I can't fake it anymore.
Another thing that I hate having to say, but it's the truth.
I have talked about extremes. Well, I have decided to juice fast this week. Not so much as a quick weight loss thing, but more as a wipe-the-slate-clean thing, to get rid of the cravings and crap that has seemed to overtake me the past few weeks. I need to get the toxins out (why, oh WHY do I let sugar into my system? Sugar is so terrible!) I need to juice fast so that I can flush the bad stuff out and give myself a new start.
I'm a little nervous, because of the fact that I haven't been able to stick to anything I've tried for the last little while.
But I'm to the point where I just have to.
Here's what I look forward to.
Juice fasting makes me feel AMAZING. I feel completely on top of my game, and I have more energy than ever. I've probably said it before, but the best I have ever felt in my life has been when I've been on HCG, and when I've juice fasted. I need the juice to bring me back to life. Which it will if I let it!
Luckily I have a lot of produce in my fridge right now! Tomorrow morning I will get up and exercise, and then walk to Winco for some more produce (yay for 24 hour grocery stores!), and get my shower before Jared leaves for work at 8.
And then I will have fun with my kids doing something on our summer bucket list.
And so begins project bring-me-back-to-life.
I need to succeed, too, because right now I have zero confidence, and my Sunday clothes are my only motivation.
I still refuse to go shopping. Because if I buy bigger clothes, I'm just masking this huge, ugly problem and it will just get bigger.
Don't give up on me.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
?
I don't even know what to call this post.
I'm totally out of control. Not like as bad as I've been before, but just--I can't get a grip on myself! What is going on with me?
I'm trying to figure out just what works for me. Things that have worked for me in the past don't work anymore. The bottom line is that it's not about what method I try, it's about me. It's about what is going on inside my head. Which--I don't know what that is.
I have tried the super strict. And I have done super well. And then eventually I break, because it's too much. So my most recent "thing" is to just try and practice restraint, and be realistic. Eat the way "real" people eat--not necessarily people who lose weight, but people who just eat to live, enjoy a little extra once in a while, and do whatever work it takes to cancel out the extras. People who don't spend time gaining lots of weight.
I was supposed to do a juice fast this month. Then I decided against it because I knew that right now, at this point, I'm not ready for it. If I do that, I'll end up finishing the fast and then running to Subway for a footlong and a bag of chips. So I decided that the first step needs to be to just chill out, back off, and not really think about food so much.
Well that's not working. I keep coming up with ideas for different parameters to set, and then by 10 or 11 in the morning I decide I want something outside the specific parameters, and that's it. I haven't stayed "on plan"--on any plan, for an entire day, for a REALLY long time. I can't remember the last time.
I hate to admit that. It's hard to get on the blog and talk about the super low times. It's easy to talk about the weight issue when I'm doing awesome. But times like now--it's just really hard. I don't like to get on here and talk about how I'm completely lost and don't have any clue what to do with myself at this point. I feel like crap. All the time.
It wasn't that long ago that I felt so awesome, and I would NEVER believe that there was anything in this world that would make me give up that feeling. And now look at me. It's like I don't even care. The thing is, I do care. I care, I care, I care. So why, why in the world, does a bowl of Kix or a row of Ritz crackers drive all that care right out the window?
I haven't thrown in the towel, but I keep letting myself down, day after day after day. What I don't understand is why food can be so controlling.
The good news is that I have been trying to get exercise back in my life. Yesterday and today I went out for a walk, did just under 4 miles each time. I love it! Just me and my iPhone with my Pandora. LOVE it. I love the time to myself, and it feels good. But I'm so out of practice. So out of shape.
Something's gotta give. On Friday my mom and my sister and her kids are coming into town for 10 days. A week later, we're leaving for a 2 week road trip through California. SO excited!!! We're also taking family pictures at the beginning of that trip, and we'll be seeing a lot of people who haven't seen me since I weighed significantly less. Grumble. And my clothes don't fit me again--I'm back to wearing baggy t-shirts and "soft" pants. I HATE IT!
So starting on Monday (aah, the old "Monday start" diet thing), I am going to do my Gilad toning 6 days a week until we leave for our trip. My poor baggy body needs the crunches and the squats and lunges and all that other stuff. I mean, my body DESPERATELY needs it. So, it's time to do something.
I am also going to just keep trying every day to control the food thing. Something's gotta give.
Pray for me, people.
On a positive food note, last night I went to the extra effort of making my pizza on the mushroom caps again, and today for dinner the whole family had spaghetti squash spaghetti. (Which the kids wouldn't eat, so I have a lot of leftovers).
I also joined bountiful baskets, a produce co-op, so we have a lot more fruits and vegetables available these days.
AND, I should give myself credit that even through the struggles I have not gone back to fast food or soda. I think I've kicked those for good. I mean, maybe the occasional twice-a-year burger and fries or something, but for real, I just have no desire to eat that crap. What I need to do is dump more things into that category--oreos, homemade bread & butter, etc. Still, I really am glad to know that the soda and fast food don't have any power over me.
I'm totally out of control. Not like as bad as I've been before, but just--I can't get a grip on myself! What is going on with me?
I'm trying to figure out just what works for me. Things that have worked for me in the past don't work anymore. The bottom line is that it's not about what method I try, it's about me. It's about what is going on inside my head. Which--I don't know what that is.
I have tried the super strict. And I have done super well. And then eventually I break, because it's too much. So my most recent "thing" is to just try and practice restraint, and be realistic. Eat the way "real" people eat--not necessarily people who lose weight, but people who just eat to live, enjoy a little extra once in a while, and do whatever work it takes to cancel out the extras. People who don't spend time gaining lots of weight.
I was supposed to do a juice fast this month. Then I decided against it because I knew that right now, at this point, I'm not ready for it. If I do that, I'll end up finishing the fast and then running to Subway for a footlong and a bag of chips. So I decided that the first step needs to be to just chill out, back off, and not really think about food so much.
Well that's not working. I keep coming up with ideas for different parameters to set, and then by 10 or 11 in the morning I decide I want something outside the specific parameters, and that's it. I haven't stayed "on plan"--on any plan, for an entire day, for a REALLY long time. I can't remember the last time.
I hate to admit that. It's hard to get on the blog and talk about the super low times. It's easy to talk about the weight issue when I'm doing awesome. But times like now--it's just really hard. I don't like to get on here and talk about how I'm completely lost and don't have any clue what to do with myself at this point. I feel like crap. All the time.
It wasn't that long ago that I felt so awesome, and I would NEVER believe that there was anything in this world that would make me give up that feeling. And now look at me. It's like I don't even care. The thing is, I do care. I care, I care, I care. So why, why in the world, does a bowl of Kix or a row of Ritz crackers drive all that care right out the window?
I haven't thrown in the towel, but I keep letting myself down, day after day after day. What I don't understand is why food can be so controlling.
The good news is that I have been trying to get exercise back in my life. Yesterday and today I went out for a walk, did just under 4 miles each time. I love it! Just me and my iPhone with my Pandora. LOVE it. I love the time to myself, and it feels good. But I'm so out of practice. So out of shape.
Something's gotta give. On Friday my mom and my sister and her kids are coming into town for 10 days. A week later, we're leaving for a 2 week road trip through California. SO excited!!! We're also taking family pictures at the beginning of that trip, and we'll be seeing a lot of people who haven't seen me since I weighed significantly less. Grumble. And my clothes don't fit me again--I'm back to wearing baggy t-shirts and "soft" pants. I HATE IT!
So starting on Monday (aah, the old "Monday start" diet thing), I am going to do my Gilad toning 6 days a week until we leave for our trip. My poor baggy body needs the crunches and the squats and lunges and all that other stuff. I mean, my body DESPERATELY needs it. So, it's time to do something.
I am also going to just keep trying every day to control the food thing. Something's gotta give.
Pray for me, people.
On a positive food note, last night I went to the extra effort of making my pizza on the mushroom caps again, and today for dinner the whole family had spaghetti squash spaghetti. (Which the kids wouldn't eat, so I have a lot of leftovers).
I also joined bountiful baskets, a produce co-op, so we have a lot more fruits and vegetables available these days.
AND, I should give myself credit that even through the struggles I have not gone back to fast food or soda. I think I've kicked those for good. I mean, maybe the occasional twice-a-year burger and fries or something, but for real, I just have no desire to eat that crap. What I need to do is dump more things into that category--oreos, homemade bread & butter, etc. Still, I really am glad to know that the soda and fast food don't have any power over me.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
The Mental Game
I keep thinking this or that will be a good idea for me, and then before too long I just get tired of it. I have done a few different "brilliant" ideas over the past 6 months, and I just fizzle out so quickly! It's really hard to not just "go back" to the unhealthy habits. Probably because it's just so easy. It's autopilot. It's what I can do without having to put in all the time and effort and focus. Not that I want to go back. But.
With as much experience as I have with weight loss, you'd think I'd have myself a little more figured out by this point. (Too bad I have more experience with weight gain than with weight loss). I don't want to ignore the fact that I have learned A LOT. I've learned a lot about weight loss and health and fitness in general, and I've learned a lot about myself in relation to all that. So yes, I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I used to be. But I do not have myself all figured out.
Maybe part of it is that life changes, and people change. The dynamics of my life usually aren't the same for too many years at a time. All through childhood, life's dynamics change rapidly. Then as an adult, it's college and then figuring out what you're doing for the summer, and where you're living, and who your roommates are, and how many credits you will take, and what your job schedule will be like (if you worked through college like I did). Then it's done with college, time to get a job--where to apply, which job to take, where to live, maybe who to live with, co-workers, etc. Then for me it was getting married, getting pregnant, having a baby (moving multiple times in the process), Jared graduating, then joining the Army, then us moving across the country--and then it was years and years and years of changes. Adding more kids to the family, moving (again and again and again)--and not just when the Army sent us somewhere. We have a habit of moving a lot. The longest we've ever lived in one house is 18 months. More kids, master's degree, more kids, more moving, deployments, more moving, vacations, getting used to new places and new schedules and new resources. And during all of that, of course it's not just life that's changing, it's me that's changing. Things that worked before don't always work again, maybe because my body is older or different or has been through more, maybe because my mindset is different, my learning has increased, my food addiction has gotten worse, my views change, whatever.
So. The one thing that is constant is that I have to always reevaluate what and how I'm doing. What in the world is going on inside my head? I think that right now it's more a head game than anything.
I was really excited to do WW, and then after less than a week of tracking points I got so tired of it. Not that I don't want to do weight watchers, because I absolutely do. I know that the problem is not with the program, the problem is with me. I need to adjust my mindset. Looking back to preparing to start the weight watchers points plus plan, things that I thought were "You can eat whatever you want in WW as long as you can fit it into your points. No food is restricted!" I still like that, but I think I started focusing so much more on eating whatever I wanted. Portions were part of that. I dreamed of eating and eating, mounds and mounds of veggies and fruits because they're "free." Not that eating a lot of fruits and vegetables is bad, it's just that the whole idea of doing weight watchers got me to thinking about all the stuff I was going to eat. I would finish eating something and start thinking about the next thing I would eat. And what I would have for dessert. It's the same thing I did when I tried following the Biggest Loser eating plan.
I am starting to get it that even though this battle includes thinking and planning and counting and tracking, and it always will, I do not do well when I let food be on my mind so much. And so the challenge for me is to learn how to think and plan and count and track in a more passive way. Some way that will let me not think so much. I have to figure out how to be more relaxed about it all. I mean, life is happening all day long, and there are so many things that are so much more important than food!
I need more time for taking care of home and family, providing for all the needs around me--the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the fun, the events, the plans, the work--and if that wasn't enough, I have started an online marketing class that involves weekly assignments and all that jazz. At any rate, I do not want my LIFE to be thinking and planning and counting and tracking food. I want my life to be family and kids and fun and events and work and all those things that life really is. If I could have it my way, I'd just eat whatever is for breakfast lunch and dinner every day and not worry about it. Obviously that hasn't worked for me in the past, and the fact that I have not been able to handle it SCREAMS at me that not thinking about it is clearly not an option. I do have to work at it. I do have to pay attention. I do have to think and plan and count and track.
I just need to make peace with it. The weight management part of my life cannot be the engine. It can't be first. I cannot devote as much time to it as it seems to need. And so I have to figure out how to just do it and stop letting it be so huge.
I so loved the idea of doing a picture food journal every day and posting it. I did like it. But the truth is, having to remember to take a picture of everything, then put the pictures on the computer and then onto the blog, every day--it required to much thought and focus. I don't want to give the food in my life that much importance at the expense of things I could be doing and thinking of instead. It seems that sometimes the great ideas can really backfire. I love having this blog, but if I start posting all the time and "checking in" and going on and on (like I'm doing right now? LOL) also gives the whole weight thing a lot of my attention and time.
I need a good balance, so that I don't put so much work into tracking that I get sick of it and quit. So that I don't put so much work into blogging about weight loss that I get sick of it and stop blogging for weeks at a time. I want to do these things, and so in order to be able to keep doing them I actually need to stop doing them so much. Just like exercising. I want to keep exercising, but if I set my standards at 2 hours a day, it won't take too many days for me to just stop. That's a hard one, because I can just tell myself that 30 minutes is great, but then when I've done 30 minutes it feels so good that I want to keep going. So I keep going for a long time, and then do it the next day, and then I don't even want to think about exercising for a week. I guess I need to be more disciplined and maybe set a 45 minute a day cap or something, so that I don't wear myself out too much to keep going. I need to back off the exercise. I need to back off the pictures of my food. I need to just relax and just incorporate good foods and good portions into every day life.
OK, that's enough. I'm sure I've yapped enough for one session. I guess this is the long story about where I am right now.
With as much experience as I have with weight loss, you'd think I'd have myself a little more figured out by this point. (Too bad I have more experience with weight gain than with weight loss). I don't want to ignore the fact that I have learned A LOT. I've learned a lot about weight loss and health and fitness in general, and I've learned a lot about myself in relation to all that. So yes, I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I used to be. But I do not have myself all figured out.
Maybe part of it is that life changes, and people change. The dynamics of my life usually aren't the same for too many years at a time. All through childhood, life's dynamics change rapidly. Then as an adult, it's college and then figuring out what you're doing for the summer, and where you're living, and who your roommates are, and how many credits you will take, and what your job schedule will be like (if you worked through college like I did). Then it's done with college, time to get a job--where to apply, which job to take, where to live, maybe who to live with, co-workers, etc. Then for me it was getting married, getting pregnant, having a baby (moving multiple times in the process), Jared graduating, then joining the Army, then us moving across the country--and then it was years and years and years of changes. Adding more kids to the family, moving (again and again and again)--and not just when the Army sent us somewhere. We have a habit of moving a lot. The longest we've ever lived in one house is 18 months. More kids, master's degree, more kids, more moving, deployments, more moving, vacations, getting used to new places and new schedules and new resources. And during all of that, of course it's not just life that's changing, it's me that's changing. Things that worked before don't always work again, maybe because my body is older or different or has been through more, maybe because my mindset is different, my learning has increased, my food addiction has gotten worse, my views change, whatever.
So. The one thing that is constant is that I have to always reevaluate what and how I'm doing. What in the world is going on inside my head? I think that right now it's more a head game than anything.
I was really excited to do WW, and then after less than a week of tracking points I got so tired of it. Not that I don't want to do weight watchers, because I absolutely do. I know that the problem is not with the program, the problem is with me. I need to adjust my mindset. Looking back to preparing to start the weight watchers points plus plan, things that I thought were "You can eat whatever you want in WW as long as you can fit it into your points. No food is restricted!" I still like that, but I think I started focusing so much more on eating whatever I wanted. Portions were part of that. I dreamed of eating and eating, mounds and mounds of veggies and fruits because they're "free." Not that eating a lot of fruits and vegetables is bad, it's just that the whole idea of doing weight watchers got me to thinking about all the stuff I was going to eat. I would finish eating something and start thinking about the next thing I would eat. And what I would have for dessert. It's the same thing I did when I tried following the Biggest Loser eating plan.
I am starting to get it that even though this battle includes thinking and planning and counting and tracking, and it always will, I do not do well when I let food be on my mind so much. And so the challenge for me is to learn how to think and plan and count and track in a more passive way. Some way that will let me not think so much. I have to figure out how to be more relaxed about it all. I mean, life is happening all day long, and there are so many things that are so much more important than food!
I need more time for taking care of home and family, providing for all the needs around me--the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the fun, the events, the plans, the work--and if that wasn't enough, I have started an online marketing class that involves weekly assignments and all that jazz. At any rate, I do not want my LIFE to be thinking and planning and counting and tracking food. I want my life to be family and kids and fun and events and work and all those things that life really is. If I could have it my way, I'd just eat whatever is for breakfast lunch and dinner every day and not worry about it. Obviously that hasn't worked for me in the past, and the fact that I have not been able to handle it SCREAMS at me that not thinking about it is clearly not an option. I do have to work at it. I do have to pay attention. I do have to think and plan and count and track.
I just need to make peace with it. The weight management part of my life cannot be the engine. It can't be first. I cannot devote as much time to it as it seems to need. And so I have to figure out how to just do it and stop letting it be so huge.
I so loved the idea of doing a picture food journal every day and posting it. I did like it. But the truth is, having to remember to take a picture of everything, then put the pictures on the computer and then onto the blog, every day--it required to much thought and focus. I don't want to give the food in my life that much importance at the expense of things I could be doing and thinking of instead. It seems that sometimes the great ideas can really backfire. I love having this blog, but if I start posting all the time and "checking in" and going on and on (like I'm doing right now? LOL) also gives the whole weight thing a lot of my attention and time.
I need a good balance, so that I don't put so much work into tracking that I get sick of it and quit. So that I don't put so much work into blogging about weight loss that I get sick of it and stop blogging for weeks at a time. I want to do these things, and so in order to be able to keep doing them I actually need to stop doing them so much. Just like exercising. I want to keep exercising, but if I set my standards at 2 hours a day, it won't take too many days for me to just stop. That's a hard one, because I can just tell myself that 30 minutes is great, but then when I've done 30 minutes it feels so good that I want to keep going. So I keep going for a long time, and then do it the next day, and then I don't even want to think about exercising for a week. I guess I need to be more disciplined and maybe set a 45 minute a day cap or something, so that I don't wear myself out too much to keep going. I need to back off the exercise. I need to back off the pictures of my food. I need to just relax and just incorporate good foods and good portions into every day life.
OK, that's enough. I'm sure I've yapped enough for one session. I guess this is the long story about where I am right now.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Crazy!
I'm not avoiding the blog on purpose. It's been crazy.
I did finally find the cord to recharge my camera battery, so I'll be able to start taking pictures of my food again. I didn't realize how much time and whatever it was going to take to do it. I like to do it, but yeah...it's a bit of extra effort that I don't always have. And I'm still going back and forth about whether doing stuff like that makes me focus on food too much. I want to focus on it enough that I am paying attention and counting my points and that I know exactly what I'm doing, but not so much that it's always on my mind.
Anyway, things are nuts in my life right now. In a good way, but crazy!
I have never lived this far north. Lately it has been light outside until 9:30...and it's only going to get later for the next month or so! So we go and go and go, and by the time we stop we realize that it's a lot later than we thought. Not that that's a bad thing. Tonight I started some weeding and yard work at 6. I did that for about an hour and then came in and the whole family had a huge cleaning party. When I stopped it was 9:15! I feel great and my house looks amazing. And it really needed some extra TLC. But. I'm TIRED!
Anyway, I have been aware of my food intake. I will say that I have not stayed in my points range, I'm sure of it. I say I've been aware--that doesn't mean I've been counting. I just haven't had the time or the energy. So I have to figure out how to balance all that.
I was afraid that I wasn't going to get my goal of 40 activity points for the week, but by some miracle I did. Yesterday my husband had the day off so I suggested we walk to Walmart for the couple of things we needed. So we piled the three kids in the strollers and went for it. It was a beautiful day! We were gone for about 3 hours. Some of that time was spent strolling through the store, which doesn't count as "exercising." But for the time we were walking to and from we got some good work in. And then today with my 3 hours of low intensity yard work and house work (which was actually quite exhausting!) I pushed my activity points count up to 45 for the week. Whew!
I do suffer from having days where I just really don't care. I mean, I just really don't. It's exhausting to care! Sometimes I don't want to count or track or choose the fat free cheese over the regular cheese. I do struggle with that a lot. I think that's my big fight right now. The bottom line is, I do care. So what am I supposed to do on those days when I really don't care?
For example, yesterday I had my mushroom caps all ready for me to use for making my pizza. But when 8:00 p.m. came around and I was finally finishing all the junk I had to do, I just didn't have it in me to prepare my own food. I just didn't care enough at that point to put in the extra effort, so I ate what was left of the family's pizza. I would probably die if I took the time to calculate the points value of that pizza.
So you see, I have such a long way to go. So much to learn. I mean, I know all the answers. I could take a test on how to lose weight, all the best practices, the healthiest, even the psychology of it, and get an A+. But the practical application...well, I probably have a D right now. I can do really great, but then I just can't do it anymore. And then the next day I do what I can to find the drive, and I go for it and do great for days, only to have another one of those "I can't care" days. I am guessing that I just have to keep on keeping on, and that becoming A+ at the practical application is going to take a while. Little by little. Baby steps. I have no intention of throwing in the towel. Sometimes it's frustrating that I can't just make up my mind about it and be done with it.
At any rate, I'm here, alive and kicking, caring and not caring.
So we'll see how tomorrow goes. I will start taking pics again either tomorrow or Monday.
(On a funny note...there is nothing bad left in this house. Jared even managed to find my stash of melting chocolate and everything that I keep with my crafts in the pantry--for dipping oreos or whatever. This is stuff I've had for probably 9 months. The good thing is that it's gone. I've never touched it, never even wanted to eat it AT ALL. Just not appetizing. But I think it's better that it's not here at all. After all, I haven't dipped oreos for anyone since before Christmas...).
I did finally find the cord to recharge my camera battery, so I'll be able to start taking pictures of my food again. I didn't realize how much time and whatever it was going to take to do it. I like to do it, but yeah...it's a bit of extra effort that I don't always have. And I'm still going back and forth about whether doing stuff like that makes me focus on food too much. I want to focus on it enough that I am paying attention and counting my points and that I know exactly what I'm doing, but not so much that it's always on my mind.
Anyway, things are nuts in my life right now. In a good way, but crazy!
I have never lived this far north. Lately it has been light outside until 9:30...and it's only going to get later for the next month or so! So we go and go and go, and by the time we stop we realize that it's a lot later than we thought. Not that that's a bad thing. Tonight I started some weeding and yard work at 6. I did that for about an hour and then came in and the whole family had a huge cleaning party. When I stopped it was 9:15! I feel great and my house looks amazing. And it really needed some extra TLC. But. I'm TIRED!
Anyway, I have been aware of my food intake. I will say that I have not stayed in my points range, I'm sure of it. I say I've been aware--that doesn't mean I've been counting. I just haven't had the time or the energy. So I have to figure out how to balance all that.
I was afraid that I wasn't going to get my goal of 40 activity points for the week, but by some miracle I did. Yesterday my husband had the day off so I suggested we walk to Walmart for the couple of things we needed. So we piled the three kids in the strollers and went for it. It was a beautiful day! We were gone for about 3 hours. Some of that time was spent strolling through the store, which doesn't count as "exercising." But for the time we were walking to and from we got some good work in. And then today with my 3 hours of low intensity yard work and house work (which was actually quite exhausting!) I pushed my activity points count up to 45 for the week. Whew!
I do suffer from having days where I just really don't care. I mean, I just really don't. It's exhausting to care! Sometimes I don't want to count or track or choose the fat free cheese over the regular cheese. I do struggle with that a lot. I think that's my big fight right now. The bottom line is, I do care. So what am I supposed to do on those days when I really don't care?
For example, yesterday I had my mushroom caps all ready for me to use for making my pizza. But when 8:00 p.m. came around and I was finally finishing all the junk I had to do, I just didn't have it in me to prepare my own food. I just didn't care enough at that point to put in the extra effort, so I ate what was left of the family's pizza. I would probably die if I took the time to calculate the points value of that pizza.
So you see, I have such a long way to go. So much to learn. I mean, I know all the answers. I could take a test on how to lose weight, all the best practices, the healthiest, even the psychology of it, and get an A+. But the practical application...well, I probably have a D right now. I can do really great, but then I just can't do it anymore. And then the next day I do what I can to find the drive, and I go for it and do great for days, only to have another one of those "I can't care" days. I am guessing that I just have to keep on keeping on, and that becoming A+ at the practical application is going to take a while. Little by little. Baby steps. I have no intention of throwing in the towel. Sometimes it's frustrating that I can't just make up my mind about it and be done with it.
At any rate, I'm here, alive and kicking, caring and not caring.
So we'll see how tomorrow goes. I will start taking pics again either tomorrow or Monday.
(On a funny note...there is nothing bad left in this house. Jared even managed to find my stash of melting chocolate and everything that I keep with my crafts in the pantry--for dipping oreos or whatever. This is stuff I've had for probably 9 months. The good thing is that it's gone. I've never touched it, never even wanted to eat it AT ALL. Just not appetizing. But I think it's better that it's not here at all. After all, I haven't dipped oreos for anyone since before Christmas...).
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Day Off
Well, it wasn't supposed to be a day off.
But today was insanely busy.
First it was an extra load of laundry for me this morning (I'm a one load a day kind of woman).
Then it was off to play group.
Then it was home to clean up and make lunch and clean up again and get Lydia down for a nap.
Then it was company for about an hour.
Then it was hurrying up to make dinner so that I could then make my lunch and have maybe a few minutes to eat it in peace before the older boys came bursting in the door after school.
Then it was being so busy and crazy and smelling the yummy dinner that I let myself sample.
And that was really bad, because I half expected corn dog muffins to be gross. I've been making them for over a year for my kids, and 5/5 of them will eat them. (That is unheard of in my house). But I like corn dogs. I never eat them, but just the thought of a cornbread muffin with a chunk of hot dog in it does not sound like my idea of an ideal replacement for an actual corn dog. Not for me, anyway. But I tried it anyway.
And...oh. my. gosh. So good.
I hurried and cooked up my squash concoction, and drank a bunch of water.
Then it was getting kids to do their homework.
Then it was getting one son off to scouts (who was late, because I totally forgot until he was already 15 minutes late. So he probably got there at 20 after. Geez).
Then it was getting my other son out the door and over to the school for his first ever band concert. And I'll spare you the gushy details of how unexpectedly impressed I was with the concert. I have never heard a first year band sound so good. Oh yeah, I said I'd spare you. Moving on.
Then it was coming home and cleaning up the house and washing all the dishes and getting kids to bed,
And besides that, my camera battery was dead.
Maybe those aren't good reasons, but I just didn't have the energy to track today. So I didn't. I know I probably went over points. But I skipped dinner because I was just too busy. Not that I expect that to count for much.
And by the way, there is no more cookie dough in this house. (Mostly due to my husband eating it, but I can't lie, I helped a little).
I also did not exercise today, because my back was still really bugging me this morning. Instead of exercising I got up and searched the bathroom for Icy Hot, which I never did find. Luckily, as the day progressed my back got better, so I should be okay for tomorrow. That is, if I ever get to bed tonight.
I did drink a lot of water today. Not 100 oz, but way better than the past few days. That's the only good thing for today.
I don't know. I hate days that are packed full of craziness, where I feel like the day is just happening to me and I don't really have a say about it. But it's okay. I had some good times today.
(I do have to be honest, though, and admit that I'm sick of that "fresh start" mentality. While it is true that you can't let slip ups ruin your entire day or week, it's also true that you shouldn't let yourself easily excuse them, using the mentality that slip ups happen and you just have to move on. They do happen, and you do have to move on, but you also have to be careful that you don't justify bad eating because you've made peace with the "slip ups happen" mentality. And I think sometimes I do that. I let myself slip up because that's life. I guess the whole point is that we have to fight to NOT let the slip ups happen. And if they're happening a couple of times a week, that is not okay. Maybe a couple of times a month. Clearly I still have a lot of work to do. So just know that even though I am moving on and fighting the fight, don't think for a minute that I am okay with slipping up as often as I currently do. I just have to be positive and not let it send me into a complete off-plan oblivion because it's easier to ignore it than deal with it).
Do you see why I say I need to be attending weekly WW meetings? I need to know that I am going to get on a scale in front of people, and I am accountable to them! Ultimately, it's all about me. It's about what I want for myself, and what I am going to do for myself. I am not losing weight for a group of people I don't even know yet. But I do know that I hate admitting that I messed up, and I will not want to show up to a meeting with a gain.
OK--more pictures tomorrow, some good exercise, and all my water.
And lots of prayer, so that I can really figure this out and finally break through. I don't know what it is about food, but it is the greatest trial of my life. What a stupid thing to have to admit. Why in the world should something so stupid be such a huge stumbling block for me? It really is embarrassing.
But today was insanely busy.
First it was an extra load of laundry for me this morning (I'm a one load a day kind of woman).
Then it was off to play group.
Then it was home to clean up and make lunch and clean up again and get Lydia down for a nap.
Then it was company for about an hour.
Then it was hurrying up to make dinner so that I could then make my lunch and have maybe a few minutes to eat it in peace before the older boys came bursting in the door after school.
Then it was being so busy and crazy and smelling the yummy dinner that I let myself sample.
And that was really bad, because I half expected corn dog muffins to be gross. I've been making them for over a year for my kids, and 5/5 of them will eat them. (That is unheard of in my house). But I like corn dogs. I never eat them, but just the thought of a cornbread muffin with a chunk of hot dog in it does not sound like my idea of an ideal replacement for an actual corn dog. Not for me, anyway. But I tried it anyway.
And...oh. my. gosh. So good.
I hurried and cooked up my squash concoction, and drank a bunch of water.
Then it was getting kids to do their homework.
Then it was getting one son off to scouts (who was late, because I totally forgot until he was already 15 minutes late. So he probably got there at 20 after. Geez).
Then it was getting my other son out the door and over to the school for his first ever band concert. And I'll spare you the gushy details of how unexpectedly impressed I was with the concert. I have never heard a first year band sound so good. Oh yeah, I said I'd spare you. Moving on.
Then it was coming home and cleaning up the house and washing all the dishes and getting kids to bed,
And besides that, my camera battery was dead.
Maybe those aren't good reasons, but I just didn't have the energy to track today. So I didn't. I know I probably went over points. But I skipped dinner because I was just too busy. Not that I expect that to count for much.
And by the way, there is no more cookie dough in this house. (Mostly due to my husband eating it, but I can't lie, I helped a little).
I also did not exercise today, because my back was still really bugging me this morning. Instead of exercising I got up and searched the bathroom for Icy Hot, which I never did find. Luckily, as the day progressed my back got better, so I should be okay for tomorrow. That is, if I ever get to bed tonight.
I did drink a lot of water today. Not 100 oz, but way better than the past few days. That's the only good thing for today.
I don't know. I hate days that are packed full of craziness, where I feel like the day is just happening to me and I don't really have a say about it. But it's okay. I had some good times today.
(I do have to be honest, though, and admit that I'm sick of that "fresh start" mentality. While it is true that you can't let slip ups ruin your entire day or week, it's also true that you shouldn't let yourself easily excuse them, using the mentality that slip ups happen and you just have to move on. They do happen, and you do have to move on, but you also have to be careful that you don't justify bad eating because you've made peace with the "slip ups happen" mentality. And I think sometimes I do that. I let myself slip up because that's life. I guess the whole point is that we have to fight to NOT let the slip ups happen. And if they're happening a couple of times a week, that is not okay. Maybe a couple of times a month. Clearly I still have a lot of work to do. So just know that even though I am moving on and fighting the fight, don't think for a minute that I am okay with slipping up as often as I currently do. I just have to be positive and not let it send me into a complete off-plan oblivion because it's easier to ignore it than deal with it).
Do you see why I say I need to be attending weekly WW meetings? I need to know that I am going to get on a scale in front of people, and I am accountable to them! Ultimately, it's all about me. It's about what I want for myself, and what I am going to do for myself. I am not losing weight for a group of people I don't even know yet. But I do know that I hate admitting that I messed up, and I will not want to show up to a meeting with a gain.
OK--more pictures tomorrow, some good exercise, and all my water.
And lots of prayer, so that I can really figure this out and finally break through. I don't know what it is about food, but it is the greatest trial of my life. What a stupid thing to have to admit. Why in the world should something so stupid be such a huge stumbling block for me? It really is embarrassing.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Daily Food Log 5/22
Today was good. I added a set of risers under my step when I did my workout this morning. 8 inches! I tried it a few months ago and couldn't make it five minutes. But it did occur to me yesterday that my workouts are way too easy. Oh, they used to be hard. They used to be killer, let me tell you. I remember working up to actually being able to do the whole thing. But I have noticed lately that they don't really make me break much of a sweat, and they don't get my heart rate up like they should.
That's why I tried adding the other set of risers before. It was totally hard. But I tried it again today because I was hoping to get more activity points for the same amount of time investment. 40 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise is worth 4 activity points. Today I got to bump it up to 40 minutes of high-intensity, and when I plugged it into the points calculator, the workout was worth 9 points. Yahoo! How awesome is that!
The unfortunate part was that about half way through I stepped wrong and my back didn't really appreciate it. It's weird trying to get used to stepping up farther, and also stepping down farther. Doing some repeaters and some jumps kind of threw me off at that one point. At first I was afraid that I had pinched a nerve, that I'd have to quit working out, that I'd be on the couch and out of commission for a few days. But I kept going, and it hurt a little bit, but I could tell it would be okay.
So happily, I finished the workout. And moved on to the toning workout for another 40 minutes.
My body and my back have been a little bit sore today. So I skipped my p.m. workout, which was okay because I did earn 13 points this morning. Thanks to the extra risers! =)
In other news, my awesome husband fixed the water filter today, so that's all set now. Unfortunately, I was out the door on errands, etc., right after he fixed it, and now it's too late to start drinking tons of water. But tomorrow it's on! I have really been needing my water. I was really ready to start choking down the awful tap water.
OK, today's food:
Breakfast: Oatmeal
That's why I tried adding the other set of risers before. It was totally hard. But I tried it again today because I was hoping to get more activity points for the same amount of time investment. 40 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise is worth 4 activity points. Today I got to bump it up to 40 minutes of high-intensity, and when I plugged it into the points calculator, the workout was worth 9 points. Yahoo! How awesome is that!
The unfortunate part was that about half way through I stepped wrong and my back didn't really appreciate it. It's weird trying to get used to stepping up farther, and also stepping down farther. Doing some repeaters and some jumps kind of threw me off at that one point. At first I was afraid that I had pinched a nerve, that I'd have to quit working out, that I'd be on the couch and out of commission for a few days. But I kept going, and it hurt a little bit, but I could tell it would be okay.
So happily, I finished the workout. And moved on to the toning workout for another 40 minutes.
My body and my back have been a little bit sore today. So I skipped my p.m. workout, which was okay because I did earn 13 points this morning. Thanks to the extra risers! =)
In other news, my awesome husband fixed the water filter today, so that's all set now. Unfortunately, I was out the door on errands, etc., right after he fixed it, and now it's too late to start drinking tons of water. But tomorrow it's on! I have really been needing my water. I was really ready to start choking down the awful tap water.
OK, today's food:
Breakfast: Oatmeal
5 points
Snack: Peanut Butter
2.5 points
(WW rounds, but I don't usually)
More snack: Here is my daughter's lunch that she wouldn't eat. I caved and ate half of one of the halves.
What can I say, I love peanut butter! And I love my homemade bread even more. I try to resist, but sometimes...
3.5 points
(yes, the other day I actually did figure out exactly how many points were in a slice of my bread...somewhere between 3 & 4...it was supposed to be four, but then I cut the slices thinner than what I had calculated for and I didn't re-calculate. Instead of my recipe making 32 slices, it made more like 36. Not sure if it's enough to make a difference, I'll have to recalculate it later and find out).
Lunch: Cabbage
0 points
More lunch: Baked potato w/salt and pepper, green onions and greek yogurt
7 points
Snack: Chocolate Chips (not pictured)
4 points
And watermelon:
0 points
Dinner: Squash, zucchini, onions, tomatoes, garlic, salt and pepper
0 points
Dessert: More of the same. Bananas, strawberries, cool whip free and chocolate chips.
5 points
I am still not liking all the chocolate, but I think other than that (and the lack of water) I did a pretty good job! It could definitely be better. I am working at refining my menu. I will also branch out and add more variety, eventually. Sometimes, though, when I find something I really like, I just really want to keep having it. Although now I'm out of potatoes. =)
I should also note that I came very, very close to eating a handful of chocolate chips after all my points were gone. And cookie dough. I'm talking, my hand was on the cookie dough ziploc. (It's here because Jared wants it, and he eats it). Instead of it being in the freezer in the garage, it was in the house. And I went for it, I did. But I made myself stop. I did not have extra chocolate chips, and I did not eat the blasted cookie dough.
So I won't be beating myself up over the fact that 6 of my points today were used on chocolate.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Daily Food Log 5/21
Today was a whole lot better.
It started out with working out for an hour and a half. 50 minutes with Jillian, 40 minutes with Cathe. =) That added up to 8 activity points.
For breakfast...well, I skipped it because we left as soon as the older boys got on the bus for school. We drove out to the Honda place to pick up our license plates, and then we went over to Home Depot, and then Costco. At Costco I let myself try some samples (it's been a really, really long time, people). The first one was greek yogurt with some honey. Because of the honey I only ate about half the sample and gave the rest to Jared. The other one was a little piece of pepper jack cheese, which I loved because it was loaded with flavor. That was pretty much it for the samples. But then I did take a bite of one of the hot dogs we got them for lunch. I really have no idea how many points all that added up to, but I went ahead and counted it as 5.
When we got home, I sauteed up the rest of my squash and zucchini--my usual yummy zero point lunch vegetable.
I also had a baked potato with salt and pepper, greek yogurt (thank you Costco) and green onions. Dang it was good, I think I'll have it tomorrow, too.
Before dinner I went out in the garage and knocked out a 35 minute Gilad aerobics DVD, earning myself another 4 activity points. And then I was too tired to do what it would take to chop up the salad veggies, so I skipped that part of my plan and just ate a steak/pepper/onion/cheese thing. (Can't remember what it's called). You're supposed to fold it in half, but I like to eat it flat because I get more bites out of it that way.
And then for dessert (I know, I said I wasn't going to do dessert anymore, but I did) I had a fruit salad with bananas, strawberries, and zero point whipped cream. It was especially good because I added 4 points worth of chocolate chips. I really like the crunch they gave it, which is actually the thing that makes me keep running to the freezer for the cookie dough. So putting the choc. chips in the fruit salad was JUST the thing I needed. Completely satisfied me. I think next time I'll cut the chocolate chips in half (the serving, not the actual chips--LOL) so the dessert will only be 2 points.
It started out with working out for an hour and a half. 50 minutes with Jillian, 40 minutes with Cathe. =) That added up to 8 activity points.
For breakfast...well, I skipped it because we left as soon as the older boys got on the bus for school. We drove out to the Honda place to pick up our license plates, and then we went over to Home Depot, and then Costco. At Costco I let myself try some samples (it's been a really, really long time, people). The first one was greek yogurt with some honey. Because of the honey I only ate about half the sample and gave the rest to Jared. The other one was a little piece of pepper jack cheese, which I loved because it was loaded with flavor. That was pretty much it for the samples. But then I did take a bite of one of the hot dogs we got them for lunch. I really have no idea how many points all that added up to, but I went ahead and counted it as 5.
When we got home, I sauteed up the rest of my squash and zucchini--my usual yummy zero point lunch vegetable.
0 points
I also had a baked potato with salt and pepper, greek yogurt (thank you Costco) and green onions. Dang it was good, I think I'll have it tomorrow, too.
6 points
In the afternoon I had watermelon and string cheese for a snack.
4 points
Before dinner I went out in the garage and knocked out a 35 minute Gilad aerobics DVD, earning myself another 4 activity points. And then I was too tired to do what it would take to chop up the salad veggies, so I skipped that part of my plan and just ate a steak/pepper/onion/cheese thing. (Can't remember what it's called). You're supposed to fold it in half, but I like to eat it flat because I get more bites out of it that way.
8 points
And then for dessert (I know, I said I wasn't going to do dessert anymore, but I did) I had a fruit salad with bananas, strawberries, and zero point whipped cream. It was especially good because I added 4 points worth of chocolate chips. I really like the crunch they gave it, which is actually the thing that makes me keep running to the freezer for the cookie dough. So putting the choc. chips in the fruit salad was JUST the thing I needed. Completely satisfied me. I think next time I'll cut the chocolate chips in half (the serving, not the actual chips--LOL) so the dessert will only be 2 points.
4 points
27 points eaten. (Maybe 28 because I took a taste of the family's dinner).
12 points earned.
Not too shabby. =)
(And big thanks to my friend Laurie for suggesting the greek yogurt and giving me a good dessert idea!)
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