Sick. of. it.

So tired of doing HCG. I just can't eat the diet anymore.

Last night I bought a points plus calculator on ebay. Then this morning I found a website that has a free calculator on it. There's also an activity points calculator.

I was really going to try and stick with the HCG for a whole 8 weeks. But enough is enough. I'm not really losing anymore anyway, although--every day I cheat a little with a bite of this or that. I think I've just done it enough that I am really burnt out. I'm grateful for what it's done for me, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I've learned and changed A LOT of things during the HCG journey. But I'm tired of it. I was going to do it again in August, but...as of now, I don't think I will. I'm going to talk to Jared about just doing WW with me and skipping the August round of HCG.

Today I was 189.6. See? It's the cheating. I've gained half a pound every day for a few days. Grrrr!!!!!

Today is the last day I'll take the HCG, but it stays in your system for 3 more days, so technically I should eat the diet through Friday. I think I'll try. Because although I'm sick of it, if I can just do three more days that would be good. I really shouldn't just all out quit. But it's really hard for me not to cheat. What I need is to get it out of my system and just jump right in to weight watchers. And then I'll have a goal to lose 2 pounds a week and there you have it. Nice, normal, real life weight loss.

On a positive note, I got up at 5 today and exercised. It felt so good. See, yesterday my husband and I spent 2 hours doing yard work, and I just felt so awesome after that. It was like being reminded of some fabulous life that has been just out of reach for a while. That after-exercising feeling just made me feel so at home, so like the "real" me. It's been a while.

So this morning I did Jillian Michaels' No More Trouble Zones. 50 minutes (4 activity points). Then I did a step workout with Cathe Friedrich. 50 minutes (4 activity points). In the afternoon I did another hour of weeding outside (4 activity points). So--not too shabby, huh?

I really want to get going on this weight watcher's eating plan. I think I'll be a lot more sane with it. And I'm going to have to decide if I want to officially join now (in June) or wait until August. I don't know. I'm kind of afraid to not have accountability. It's just so easy to cheat, and I have proven over and over again to be very weak in that area. So we'll see. Sometimes I can be really good, and maybe with weight watchers being as structured as it is, but a lot more open to options, I can do it. I don't know though, I think the accountability is key for me.

I have also finally stopped buying cases of water bottles from Costco. We managed to get a Brita filter to fit on the tap of the kitchen sink, and that has made a HUGE difference in the taste of the water. I'm so happy about that! Tastes just like my bottled water. And yesterday I got a 24 oz. water bottle, so now I'm set. Today I drank 5 of my water bottles, for a total of 120 ozs. Not to shabby!

What I really need to do is set a course for myself and just step on the path and never look back.

So...I'll check back on Saturday, if not sooner. Saturday will be my first official day of following the WW plan, and I really look forward to it.

In the World of Weight Loss

So where am I in the world of weight loss?

I am finishing up my 5th round of HCG. It's not really my favorite diet. It's really not. I mean, I do love it. I do feel amazing. I do lose a lot of weight. People say it doesn't really work, that you don't really feel great while you're on it, that it's just a big fake. But well--I am now exactly 116 pounds less than I was when I started HCG a year and a half ago. So--whatever. It has worked for me. It has not taken away my personal struggles with food. It has not cured me of my LOVE for all things super delicious and very bad for you. I still love it. But I can say that I have learned a lot and changed some pretty big things about myself. For example, in the past year I have had fast food only twice, and same thing with soda. (I do not count Subway as fast food, because when I go to Subway I only get the healthy sandwiches). I don't miss those things AT ALL. And even though I've slid backward a few times, I've still made the overall progress that has lead me here, to a 116 pound loss. So maybe it's a placebo. Maybe it doesn't really work.  I can't say for anybody else, but for me it's been fine.

Still, it's not my preferred diet plan. And by "diet" I don't mean weight loss, I mean daily food intake. To tell you the truth, I have never seen a weight loss/diet plan that I agree with more than Weight Watchers. Funny that I've never officially joined, right? Weight Watchers does not cut anything out of the diet, so you don't have to feel deprived, and they give a good plan to live by that fits what you should eat into a simple, doable, structured plan. (And believe me, I need structure. Bad things happen when I'm left to my own devices). 

Anyway, I'm really excited because I have decided to join WW in September. 

Why so long? 

Well...because I have 2 weeks left on HCG, then 3 weeks to maintain my weight. Then I hope to do another 10 day juice fast--just because it's time again, I want to do that quarterly. After that we're having family in town for a week, and then a week after that we are leaving for California for two weeks. Then we come home and do a short little round of HCG (the husband wants to do it, and he absolutely can't do it alone, he'd cave in a day or two). And since I don't think it's fair to be going to WW meetings while I'm on HCG, I'm going to wait until September. 

Meanwhile, after this current round of HCG, I will be eating the WW diet. My mom just joined, and I figured out how many points I'm supposed to have and all that. So even though I won't officially be a member of WW, I will be following their plan. And I'm SO excited about it. I'm excited to have a wide variety of things I can eat, and have it within a structured and controlled plan. And I love that fruits and vegetables are zero points. I look forward to watermelon season where I can eat a huge bowl of watermelon cubes for ZERO points, without worrying about eating too much. I look forward to eating a huge salad, where the only points that will count are the dressing, and anything I add in like olives or black beans. I love me a huge salad.

And I look forward to the accountability that I will get with WW. I plan to stay on it all the way to my goal and perhaps for the rest of my life. Because I have enough experience to know that if I want to maintain weight loss, I'm going to have to have the structure and accountability. 

So there you have it. I wish it were September already!

Thin

As in...spread way too thin. Life is really crazy right now. I'm not really complaining, but I do have a lot on my plate of life. Here's the latest with me:

1. In the month of April I busted open my savings account to buy a new laptop because the one that had been in a coma for several months finally breathed its last. I love my new Macbook Pro and I'm really THANKFUL to be done with Dell. But that's another story for another day.

2. Later in the month of April, we busted open our savings account to buy (well, to put a down payment on) a brand new Honda Odyssey to replace the rickety old falling apart Saturn Relay we had been driving. I am now driving my dream car, and I love it. Love it love it love it. It's beautiful, it's brand new, and it's everything I want and way more than I ever wanted.

The thing about numbers 1 & 2 is that I have this residual effect of feeling this yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach about the money that is no longer in my savings account. It's not all gone or anything, but it took a pretty big hit. And that just makes me feel really uncomfortable. And if I weren't totally exhausted every night, thinking about it would keep me awake for hours. Luckily, all the other life stuff keeps me able to sleep when I finally do drop into bed every night. Which leads to number 3.

3. I have recently signed up to be a Heritage Maker's independent consultant. I love Heritage Makers, and I have made some pretty awesome stuff. Here is the Father's Day book I made for my husband, which I haven't shared on my other blog because I don't want him to see it. But since he never looks at this blog, I can share it here. See how awesome this is!!!
At any rate, I have done things like this before (Tupperware, Bright Music) but I haven't been as sold as I am with Heritage Makers. Their program is absolutely awesome. And since I have been looking for some kind of work at home thing, I decided to give this a shot. And this time, I think I'm actually going to put some work into it and see if I can build it. Because I absolutely love it.

I do have a HM webpage, but I'm ironing out some kinks. So I'll put up a link to it on my sidebar in the next few days, for anyone who might want to see what it's all about. You can also check out my other blog and see a couple of other things I've made, if you want! I'm totally excited.

4. I have been working long and hard on a blog book for my brother's blog, as a surprise-late-birthday-gift thing. (Already more than 2 months late, dang it!) I have put in lots of hours, and lots of blood sweat and tears for this project, and now I'm almost done. I'm going to write a forward and then it'll be ready for publishing. (This I'm doing on blurb, not on HM). The more I've worked on it, the more I have just been DYING to get my hands on the actual book. Now if I only had the money to order it! It'll have to wait until June. But it's fabulous. The more I worked, the better it got. And I know he's going to love it. I'll bet he'll even tear up when he opens it up, because I'm sending it to him as a surprise and he has NO idea. (Don't you just love those kinds of surprises?) And of course I have to buy a copy for myself, and I guarantee it'll be one of my favorite reads. So that has been a huge thing, SO time consuming, and I'm glad I can almost check it off my list!

5. Last but not least, I'm one of those dummies who didn't realize my driver's license expired this year. So guess who doesn't have a license now? Arizona doesn't let you renew online, and Washington doesn't let you easily get a license unless your current license is valid. And since an expired license is not valid--I get to take the tests again. Yay me! That means that I have to go on days when my husband doesn't work, because I can't drive myself there, and I absolutely can't do that kind of thing with three kids in tow. So on Monday he had the day off, and I went and passed the written test. (More like "touch screen" test these days). On Saturday I have an appointment for the behind-the-wheel. And I really can't wait to get it over with, because it STINKS to not have a driver's license. For the past couple of weeks I have not driven anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary (like when I had to pick up Jared from work because the battery in his car was shot and he had to get a new one). But I hate it--I hate being behind the wheel knowing that if I got pulled over, or in an accident or something, I'd be in huge trouble. So let's just hurry up and get this thing done!

And that, my friends, is why I have not been blogging much. That and my husband and five kids who need to be wifed and mothered every day and a house that would fall to the ground if I didn't pay attention to it because nobody else likes to. But I have been working really hard on my weight loss...I'll tell you about that in tomorrow's post...

A Week Later

Not a whole lot to say, except I got my birthday wish! A week later, I finally made it to 193. Well, 193.2, but I'll take it.

I still hate these lousy pants, but I'm going to hang in there a little longer.

Other than that, life is good. =)

Yesterday was breakfast for dinner. We thought we might have company, so we went all out. The company thing didn't happen, but my kids were in love with their dinner. I have never heard my 8 year old, in all his life, say something like this at the dinner table: I've died and gone to heaven. We (that is to say, they) had scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, hash browns, and apple pecan Belgian waffles with homemade buttermilk caramel syrup. I did make them start out with a fruit and vegetable smoothie, though, so it's not as bad as it could be I guess.

It smelled really good. It was hard to pass it up, but luckily for me I'm in a good place for passing things up right now.

And the scale rewarded me for it.

Death Of A Scale

Well, my friends, today is my birthday.

The first goal was to be 175 by today. Then I spent a couple of months of craziness, gaining and losing--but mostly gaining.

Then the goal was to just get myself back under 200 by today. Then I started doing really awesome and the weight started coming off really fast. So I got a little ahead of myself,

So then the goal was to get to 193--or at least 195.

Well...I can almost guarantee you that didn't happen. Yesterday I had a half pound gain, putting me at 198.3. When I weighed myself before bed, it gave me no hope that I would have a loss this morning.

Still, you never know, right?

Unfortunately, this morning all the scale said was "Err". Several times. I think it's finally done. I tried new batteries, too. So no weigh in for me this morning! Happy Birthday, right?

On the bright side, I'm okay with 198, even though there was a gain yesterday, because I can say 100% that it was out of my control. I was 100% perfectly on plan and I did my part. So the gain is just one of those things. Had I gained because I strayed a little, I would have felt terrible. AND, I have to be grateful that I did at least make it under 200 for the birthday.

So, onward and upward. Time to text the husband so that he can pick up a new scale on his way home from work.

Just Can't Catch A Break

So my pants, my 14 pants, that have loved me and hated me over the past few months--they're dead.

Yes, I admit it. I have only had one pair of pants for several months now. It just worked out that way--and I have refused to buy any more until I could buy a size down.

These pants of mine got a tiny hole by the zipper a week or so ago. Tiny. No big deal. I knew they were on the way out, but no worries, because I've been on my way down. So I wouldn't need them too much longer anyway.

Well, today the little tiny hole caught on something, and RIP went the pants. Big, huge hole.

So I dug out the other pair of 14s. Now, because these are both yard sale pants (you know, because I was going to breeze right through them onto size 12) I'm not sure, but I am guessing that the ones that ripped today were 14 woman, and the other ones are regular 14s.

These other 14s are a bit tighter. They are also a different style, so the legs taper on the way down. They are tight all the way down, and I hate that. That is why these other 14s sat in the bottom of my drawer, ignored, for months and months. I hate them because they're tight.

And now they're all I have.

So I got to the point where my pants felt good again, and were actually loose, and now I'm back into tight pants. I have a muffin top again. Just a little bit of one, thank goodness, but it's still there.

I look at that as a blessing. Now these pants are my only option. I will not have a moment's peace in these pants until they're loose. And I'm on my way! I will have a constant reminder, all day long, that I am definitely NOT done with this journey. I hate these pants. But I'm already loving them because they'll keep me working.

Muffin Top

I saw this one on pinterest and I thought it was so funny. 

Funny but not. I've been a muffin top a lot the past 3 months. And I have hated it. 

It's been such a hard 3 months for me. Up and down and up and down. And up and up and up. And down. 

The best thing that you can ever do for your weight loss is to get rid of your clothes as soon as you fit into smaller ones. If I had hung on to a bigger size pants I would have started wearing them. And I would not have had to experience all the discomfort of stuffing my poor little muffin top into them. My shirts stopped looking good. They stopped looking even decent. I haven't worn them for probably two months. I've been wearing my husband's t-shirts. There were a few days where I just had to wear my pajama pants or workout pants during the day. And if I had to go to the store, I had to stuff myself into my jeans, and then I couldn't even walk without feeling every bulge. So gross. I was not a happy person. Every day I proved my theory that "fat and happy" is a lie. 

Everything else in my life was great. Right on target. Absolutely no complaints. We found a fabulous house, the kids love their school and are doing awesome. They have lots of friends in the neighborhood. Church is awesome here. My sister and her family came to see us. I HAVE MY HUSBAND BACK. I mean, who could complain? I have no complaints whatsoever. But it's funny how out-of-control-eating can taint everything. It makes all those happy things less happy. I felt like crud so much. 

The thing that really kicked my butt back into action was my clothes. I mean, I can't exactly wear my husband's t-shirts to church. And I can't just wear workout pants everywhere I go. And I refuse to EVER buy a size bigger. So there was only one choice--fight.

So I've been fighting. I'm still in the red--in debt to the scale. Luckily, though, the debt is almost paid. Today I weighed in at 198.9. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I hate that 198.9 feels so great. Because a few months ago, 198.9 would have made me cry. But on the other hand, I feel great that it's back out of the 200s. It is what it is. It's not a fairytale.

Another blogger posted today about ending weight loss part one, and beginning weight loss part two. So you set a big weight loss goal that takes several months, or a year, to accomplish. And after all that time, you accomplish it. And then you just need a break. You're not quitting, but you just plain need a break from focusing so much energy on all the effort weight loss really takes. And then you start part two. So for me, the goal was to lose 100 pounds while my husband was in Iraq. And I did it. I started losing a little bit before he left. My real start weight was 303. When he left, I was 293. So losing 100 meant getting to 193. And I did that, plus a little. Part one.

Then life went completely haywire. I would have liked the break to have only been a week or two--and it  might have been, if I hadn't been in the middle of a whole life-upheaval. But it is what it is. At any rate, I have fought and I have worked really hard to get back into a good place with the weight control. And I have started part two. There should be no more upheavals for a while, so that's good. Part two is to get to 174. For me, the dividing line between overweight and obese is 175. I don't really have a date set for 174. I'll hit it and then I'll go from there. 

My goal is to hit pre-move weight for my birthday. That's Monday. Four days to get 193. I think it will happen. But even if I only hit 195, I'll be thrilled. All I want for my birthday is to start wearing my own clothes. I am wearing my jeans and they are fine--a little loose again. But the shirts--I'm almost scared to try! I'll try again once I hit 195. 

I'm on super hard-core plan until the end of May. Hoping to get under 180 by then. 

I'm back.